Boners

Boner (Round One) for December 8th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: TURBULENCE MADE ME DO IT.

During a United Airlines flight from New Jersey to Charlotte on Tuesday, one 73-year-old man decided to use turbulence as the reason his hand “fell” between his seat mate’s legs, according to Charlotte’s WSOC-TV. Sources told the station that the victim, who is in her 30s, alerted flight staff that the man next to her groped her, resulting in them being separated. Once the plane was grounded, police boarded and escorted the scumbag off the plane. The case is now being investigated by the FBI. The man, who is from Lithuania, later told authorities his hand tumbled onto her lap due to turbulence; a truly bold example of magical thinking. As one passenger put it: “I’m sure a woman knows the difference between a hand hitting her versus being groped.”

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Boner Candidate #2: SHAME ON YOU ZINKE

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke spent thousands of dollars in taxpayer money to use government helicopters to travel to and from Washington, D.C., this summer, including a round-trip flight to meet Vice President Mike Pence for an afternoon horseback ride, according to a report by Politico. The news site obtained copies of Zinke’s travel logs through a Freedom of Information Act request and found that the secretary spent more than $14,000 on government helicopters, often citing his schedule and the timing of official trips as justification for the expense. In one instance, the department spent $8,000 for a U.S. Park Police helicopter to take Zinke and his chief of staff to an emergency management exercise in West Virginia, saying the pair couldn’t leave until 2 p.m. and the two-hour drive wouldn’t see them arrive in time.

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Boner Candidate #3: NO HARD FEELINGS.

A former county official in Georgia will not face criminal charges despite the discovery of illicit videos showing him performing oral sex on two men who appeared incoherent and unresponsive, authorities said. David Kimbrell, former emergency management director for Hall County, allegedly filmed himself performing the sex act on two men while they were drunk or visibly impaired, according to documents obtained by The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Kimbrell, who was fired in October, told investigators that both men were aware of the videos and “what he was doing to them,” but documents connected to the investigation, as well as interviews with the two victims suggest otherwise, according to the newspaper.

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