Boners

Boners for January 22nd, 2018

Round One

 

Boner Candidate #1: AND THEN THIS HAPPENED. AND THEN THAT HAPPENED.

Things didn’t go exactly as planned for an alleged bank robber in Taylorsville Thursday. Just before 5:30 p.m., a man entered America First Credit Union, 2715 W. 5400 South, claimed to have a gun and demanded money from two tellers, said Unified Police Lt. Brian Lohrke. After the man received an undisclosed amount of cash in a bag, he ran out to his car, which was stolen. But when he got there, he realized he had left the keys on the counter inside the bank, Lohrke said. The man then attempted to run off, but his money bag snagged on something and ripped. Money then started flying out of his bag, Lohrke said. Witnesses saw the man running and directed police officers to where he was last spotted. Police arrested David Hamson, 39, a short time later in a neighborhood just west of the bank. Lohrke said a “good portion” of the money was recovered, but investigators believe some of the money went down a storm drain.

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Boner Candidate #2: YEAH. KINDA COOL. JERK.

White House budget director Mick Mulvaney described it as “kind of cool” that he’s technically in charge of shutting down the government during an interview Friday. “Obviously, I’m heavily involved in this, Sean, is that the Office of Management and Budget is charged with, you know, sort of implementing running a shutdown,” Mulvaney said on conservative commentator Sean Hannity’s radio show before the shutdown went into effect. He added, “In fact, I found out for the first time last night that the person who technically shuts the government down is me, which is kind of cool.” Media Matters was the first to point out Mulvaney’s remarks. Mulvaney has been tasked with negotiating a deal with congressional leaders to fund the government and end the shutdown that began on Friday midnight.

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Boner Candidate #3: MAKING US PROUD

A Utah State University student was reportedly taken to a hospital on Saturday after swallowing a Tide detergent pod just days after health officials released repeated warnings against ingesting them. Local media captured video of the unidentified student being wheeled to an ambulance on a stretcher from a Logan campus dormitory. The hospital has not released the student’s condition. Health officials have warned that ingesting laundry detergent can cause seizures, pulmonary edema, respiratory arrest, coma and even death. The warning follows an increase in teenagers requiring medical treatment after intentionally eating or exposing themselves to the toxins amid a so-called “Tide Pod Challenge” on social media.

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Round Two

 

Boner Candidate #1: BLAME GAME AT THE WHITE HOUSE

The White House public comment line wasn’t working on Sunday, and people who called the number were told it’s the Democrats’ fault. The comment line, which can be reached at 202-456-1111, is supposed to allow citizens a chance to leave a voice message for the President. Callers on Sunday were greeted by these recorded words: “Thank you for calling the White House. Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because congressional Democrats are holding government funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Due to this obstruction, the government is shut down.”

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Boner Candidate #2: SHOOT THE BLACK ONES

The former assistant police chief of Prospect told a Louisville Metro Police recruit that, if he catches juveniles smoking marijuana, he should “shoot them” if they are black, according to documents released Friday. Todd Shaw, who resigned from the suburban Louisville department late last year, sent several “highly disturbing racist and threatening Facebook messages” to the recruit, Jefferson County Attorney Mike O’Connell wrote in a letter to Prospect Mayor John Evans on Aug. 31. Shaw had fought to keep the messages private after media outlets requested them under Kentucky’s open records law. Jefferson Circuit Court Judge Judith McDonald-Burkman ruled this week that the records must be released. Shaw was initially suspended with pay on Sept. 1. Prospect Police Chief Jeff Sherrard was not in the office Friday and could not be reached for comment. In an interview, Evans said that after receiving O’Connell’s letter, “the human reaction would be to fire” Shaw, but the department needed to conduct its own investigation.

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Boner Candidate #3: YEAH. I’M HIGH.

A 19-year-old driver is facing DWI charges and felony drug charges after he crashed through the Jordan Police department sign early Saturday morning. Around 1:20 a.m. Saturday, an officer was transporting an intoxicated driver back to the police department when he noticed a car had crashed through the police department’s entrance sign. The car then became stuck in a snow bank. Two men, both 19, were attempting to dig the car out to free it from the snow bank. The driver admitted to using marijuana, taking Xanax and drinking alcohol. He refused all field sobriety testing, but he was “obviously highly impaired and he could not explain clearly how he drove off the road, crashed his car into our sign, or how he got stuck in the snow bank,” police wrote.

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