Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for January 25th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HERE’S HOW TO TELL IF IT IS REAL OR NOT

In a horrific scene, a ‘fake’ iPhone battery explodes in a man’s mouth when he bites it to check whether it is real. The customer asked to inspect the used battery at a second-hand market somewhere in China, but for some reason, he puts it to his mouth. Users can not remove the lithium batteries found in some smartphones and the gadgets have to be carefully taken apart by technicians to reveal them. Sellers of second-hand phones have also been known to swap out original batteries for cheaper quality variants. Bizarrely the dubious customer, who was accompanied by a female, decided that biting it would prove whether it was real or fake. The short video shows him putting the battery between his teeth and biting on it, causing the device to burst into flames in his mouth. He throws it in front of him and stands shocked as others in the marketplace flinch backwards.

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Boner Candidate #2: ANOTHER FINE TRUMP APPOINTEE

An event planner appointed by President Donald Trump to a key position at the Department of Housing and Urban Development has apologized after insulting a journalist on Wednesday. Lynne Patton, who oversees billions of dollars in federal funds as head of the agency’s New York and New Jersey office, had called April Ryan “Miss Piggy.” Ryan is the White House correspondent and Washington bureau chief for American Urban Radio Networks. Patton deleted the tweet, but screenshots persist.

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Boner Candidate #3: I GAVE BIRTH TO A LATEX GLOVE.

A French woman claims she “gave birth” to a latex glove and five compresses — that her bird-brained surgeon forgot in her womb during an operation. The unnamed 48-year-old is now suing the doctor who told her that “everything had gone well” after her April endometrial-ablation at a private clinic in Marseilles, the Telegraph UK reported. The procedure is supposedly a less invasive way to stop periods than a hysterectomy but the woman said she soon started suffering from pain so unbearable she couldn’t sleep or urinate.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: IMMACULATE CONCEPTION IS ANOTHER WAY TO SAY MISSING EMAIL

A Republican congressman called thousands of missing FBI text messages “the greatest coincidence since the Immaculate Conception,” then struggled to explain just what he meant. The FBI said the messages were lost due to a technical glitch. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) made the comments in a Fox News interview on Wednesday. Later, however, Gaetz stammered his way through a CNN interview when Chris Cuomo asked him to clarify. “Where is the analogy?” Cuomo asked. “That’s what I don’t understand. What do you think happened with the Immaculate Conception?” “Look, did you really bring me on to discuss my religious views, Chris?” Gaetz replied. “I’m a Christian. I believe that the Immaculate Conception was how Jesus was born.” It was not, in fact, how Jesus was born and Cuomo quickly took Gaetz to church on this one.

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Boner Candidate #2: I AM DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU CHOSE TO TELL THE TRUTH.

A Chicago student’s journal entry has gone viral after he set his teacher straight in response to a whitewashed history lesson. Eight-year-old King Johnson wrote the entry after speaking with his mother, Robin Johnson, about the meaning of Columbus Day, his mom told HuffPost. In the entry, King confronts his teacher after learning Christopher Columbus discovered America. “Today was not a good learning day. Blah, blah, blah,” he wrote. “I only wanted to hear you not talking. You said something wrong and I can’t listen when I hear lies.” King reminds the teacher about Native Americans while quoting an apt Jay-Z lyric. “My mom said that the only Christofer we acknowledge is Wallace. Because Columbus didn’t find our country, the Indians did. I like to have Columbus Day off, but I want you to not teach me lies. That is all.” He ended with a question: “How can white people teach black history?” King’s teacher responded to his journal, saying that she was “very disappointed” in what he had to say. His reply was simple and nonchalant: “OK.” King’s mom said she was “proud of him but not so pleased with the ‘blah blah blah.’”

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Boner Candidate #3: I GOTTA GET ME A BIGHORN

A big-game hunting guide who faked living in Utah in his relentless pursuit of a prized wildlife trophy has been banned from hunting in 47 states for the next decade. Larry Altimus, of Pearce, Ariz., was found guilty in July 2017 of wanton destruction of wildlife — a third-degree felony — after three days of testimony in a courtroom in Utah’s Kane County. An eight-person jury found that Altimus illegally obtained a Utah resident hunting permit to kill a desert bighorn ram, according to Utah’s Division of Wildlife Services. Altimus, 69, had previously applied for such a permit 21 times without success. And without Utah residency, Altimus realized that the chances he would draw a non-resident bighorn sheep permit were very slim.

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