Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for March 14th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I’M SORRY IT’S A MESS. I HAVEN’T HAD TIME TO CLEAN THINGS UP.

Police busted a city man growing pot in his apartment on Friday after his girlfriend called the police on him following an argument, authorities said. Officers responding to a Kennedy Boulevard apartment just before midnight arrested the tenant, Anthony J. Morcilio, 25, after they discovered seven marijuana plants and 12 bags of medical marijuana candy, along with marijuana-growing equipment, inside the residence, police said. Police initially responded to the location after they received a 9-1-1 call of a domestic dispute inside the apartment, authorities said. Upon arrival, the officers were unable to enter the apartment, but after listening at the door for any noise they were “able to detect sounds consistent with human cries,” police said.

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Boner Candidate #2: I AM EMBARRASSED BY THE ABSENCE OF MY CAR.

If you crash your 1990 Ferrari F40 into a lamppost, like one Vancouver neurosurgeon did back in 2012, I think a little bit of embarrassment is just part of the deal. A little humility in a powerful car like an F40 is a good way to avoid crashing into lampposts. This view is not shared by Dr. Navraj Heran, who is demanding British Colombia’s public auto insurance company pay $982,000 (Canadian, so about $758,000 in real dollars) because the absence of the car is “embarassing.” Heran has filed a lawsuit against the Insurance Bureau of British Colombia (ICBC), and in that lawsuit he’s stated that the costs paid so far for the repair of the car, $790,000, which included shipping the car to Toronto for repair, are not adequate, and he’s demanding a total of $982,000 for the full cost of repair.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE NEEDED TO GRAB A FEW PERSONAL ITEMS.

The murder suspect at the center of an hours-long standoff last week broke through the police perimeter and went shopping at an Indiana Walmart, police tell WTHI. Michael R. Reynolds, 36, is accused of fatally shooting Amanda Kerns, 40, on March 5 at a home in the 2100 block of Putnam Street. Police say he also shot and critically injured a second person, Ronald Lawrence, at the same location. Officials believe the shooting was the result of a domestic violence situation. The shooting led to a 20-hour standoff with dozens of Terre Haute police officers surrounding the home. Reynolds was later shot and killed by state police SWAT officers.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I THOUGHT SHE WAS A LOBBYIST FOR THE KISSING INDUSTRY.

The top leader in the Iowa Senate resigned Monday after a website published video and photos allegedly showing the married lawmaker kissing a statehouse lobbyist. Senate Majority Leader Bill Dix’s resignation from his leadership post and as a state senator was effective 2 p.m. Monday, according to a press release from Senate President Jack Whitver. Whitver added in a statement: “I believe he made the right decision for himself and for his district, but most importantly, I believe he made the decision in the best interest of his family.” Republicans in the GOP-controlled chamber plan to elect a new majority leader on Wednesday.

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Boner Candidate #2: AFTER THE HEIST I GOT A MINSTREL SHOW.

If you ever consider robbing a casino on the Las Vegas strip, please do not compound the idiocy of your crime by doing it in blackface. People watch Ocean’s 11 and whatever that stupid Kevin Spacey movie was where the kids were counting cards at the blackjack table and think taking down a casino is some easy feat. Outstream Video It’s not. A 26-year-old white man named Cameron James Kennedy is currently learning this the hard way. The Las Vegas Review Journal reports that Kennedy was charged with robbery in federal court Friday and faces 20 years in prison for allegedly robbing the New York-New York Casino on the Las Vegas Strip.

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Boner Candidate #3: NOW WHERE DID I LEAVE THAT GUN?

A county sheriff apologized Tuesday for accidentally leaving his backup gun in a Michigan school gym locker room. Isabella County Sheriff Michael Main said his mistake is inexcusable. “In the 20 years of law enforcement service I have never left a weapon anywhere,” he said in a statement. “I have no excuse for my lack of responsibility with this matter. I have worked diligently my entire career to protect people, especially our youth. However, I have failed to do just that, and I’m devastated with my lack of accountability in this matter.” Main said he used the locker room at Shepherd Middle School to change from street clothes into uniform for an event at the weekend. Main said he believed the gun — his backup weapon — was in his bag when he left. A student later found the gun and told an adult, according to Main.

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