Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for March 15th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: NOW THAT’S A CONFERENCE CALL!

A power grid manager accidentally broadcast himself romping with a junior colleague when he forgot to hang up his video conference call. Based on WeChat conversation screencaps, the manager of China’s Southern Power Grid filmed himself having sex with his colleague in a conference room minutes after a call earlier that morning which was attended by employees from five different provinces. After the meeting was adjourned for a break, the manager allegedly decided to make use of the now empty conference room at the company’s Guangzhou headquarters. The footage first leaked on Saturday but it has now been scrubbed from social media by Chinese censors. Two employees have since been arrested and face defamation charges as well as further punishment for spreading “false rumours” after they allegedly shared the footage.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’M SURE THIS WAS JUST A COINCIDENCE.

It’s probably just a coincidence, right? On a day when students all over the U.S. walked out of their classrooms to protest gun violence in schools, the National Rifle Association tweeted a photo of an AR-15 — a weapon frequently used in mass shootings. The NRA posted the tweet, that read, “I’ll control my own guns, thank you,” on Wednesday morning.  An AR-15 was allegedly used by the Parkland, Florida, school shooter in the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School massacre last month that left 17 dead. Since the shooting — which spurred student organizers to plan Wednesday’s nationwide walkout — many have called for stricter gun control, urging retailers to stop selling assault-style rifles and putting pressure on the NRA to support common-sense safety measures. Wednesday’s tweet falls within the gun lobby’s hardline stance on preserving Americans’ right to own firearms. Some on social media questioned the timing of the tweet, coming on a day when many are speaking out about gun violence.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE BELIEVE IN THE RIGHT TO ASSEMBLE, SO LOCK ‘EM UP.

While thousands of students across the nation walked out of their schools today in a protest of gun violence, Grand Blanc High School locked its classroom doors to bar its students from taking part. Instead, the district encouraged students to write letters to elected officials in support of gun reform. Marking the one-month anniversary of the fatal school shooting in Parkland, Florida, the #Enough! National Walk Out took place in schools across Michigan and the country at 10 a.m. on Wednesday, March 14. Organized by Women’s March Youth Empower, many protests lasted 17 minutes – one minute for each of the victims in the Valentine’s Day massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. But at 9:55 a.m. at Grand Blanc High School, administrators put the school in “secure mode.” Students said all classroom doors were locked until the end of third period at 10:23 a.m.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: TEACHERS WITH GUNS IN THE CLASSROOM.

A teacher who is also a reserve police officer trained in firearm use ‘accidentally’ discharged a gun Tuesday at Seaside High School in Monterey County, Calif., during a class devoted to public safety, school officials said in a statement. A male student was reported to have sustained non-life-threatening injuries. The weapon, which was not described, was pointed at the ceiling, according to a statement from the school, and debris fell from the ceiling. Seaside Police Chief Abdul Pridgen told the Monterey County Weekly that a male student was “struck in the neck by ‘debris or fragmentation’ from something overhead.” Pridgen said whatever hit the student was not a bullet. However, the student’s father, Fermin Gonzales, told KSBW 8 that it was his understanding that fragments from the bullet ricocheted off the ceiling and lodged in the boy’s neck. The father said the teacher told the class before pointing the gun at the ceiling that he was doing so to make sure his gun wasn’t loaded, something that can be determined visually. “It’s the craziest thing,” Gonzales told the station. “It could have been very bad.” Gonzales said he learned about the incident when his 17-year-old son came home with blood on his shirt and bullet fragments in his neck.

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Boner Candidate #2: ROLLIN’ COAL NEAR THE SNOWFLAKES.

A truck driver “rolls coal” to send a cloud of exhaust fumes near Wooster High School student protesters.

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Boner Candidate #3: I GOT THE IDEA FROM “HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN”

A Michigan man running as a Libertarian for U.S. Senate says he wants to raise money to buy 20 pump style shotguns for homeless individuals. “Not only are the homeless constantly under threat from would-be criminals,” says Brian Ellison, “but they are also under threat from governments at various levels that criminalize activities that homeless people rely on for survival.” Ellison says he has no fears that the guns would be misused, for example, to shoot police who are trying to move people off an illegal encampment. “I don’t know why the homeless are viewed as such a different type of people as the rest of us,” he says.  “I carry a gun with me all the time, and I don’t victimize anyone.  I wouldn’t expect that the homeless would use their weapons to fight off the police who are asking them to leave.  I think the homeless would use their weapons to protect themselves from being victims of violent crimes.” Ellison acknowledges his campaign, “Arm the Homeless,” has shock value that will bring attention to his campaign.  But he says as a third-party candidate going up against well-funded Democratic and Republican opponents, shock value is about the only thing he can do to get media coverage.

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