Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for March 1st, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: YOUR HONOR, I’VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT MY MISSING LEG

An Oregon developer serving a 10-year prison term in a mortgage-fraud scheme was sentenced Wednesday to nearly four more years because he ordered his teenage son to shoot him in the legs in a failed effort to collect on a disability insurance policy. Shannon Egeland was vice president of development company that orchestrated tens of millions of dollars in mortgage fraud during last decade’s real estate boom and bust. A judge ordered him to federal prison on Aug. 1, 2014, to begin serving a 10-year sentence. The day before he was to report, he was wounded in a roadside shooting near Caldwell, Idaho. Egeland told police he was shot in the legs after stopping to help a pregnant motorist in the middle of the night. It was later revealed that he persuaded his 17-year-old son to fire at him with a shotgun. He pleaded guilty in May 2016 to conspiracy to commit wire fraud and willful failure to pay child support.

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Boner Candidate #2: SEEMS LIKE A TOTALLY REASONABLE RESPONSE.

Authorities say a Florida woman fatally shot her and her fiancé’s dog during an argument. The Tampa Bay Times reports that 27-year-old Giselle Taylor was arrested last week and charged with animal cruelty. Tarpon Springs police say Taylor got angry at her fiancé because he wouldn’t crack her back. An arrest report says she grabbed a 9mm handgun from the garage and loaded it. The report says Taylor told officers she intended to scare her fiancé, but when she didn’t get the response she wanted, she pointed the gun at their 2-year-old boxer and pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the dog’s upper torso, killing it.

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S SO SOOTHING

A man nicknamed the “sleeper creeper” for sneaking into people’s bedrooms could face a maximum of up to 30 years in prison when he’s sentenced for burglary and criminal mischief. Ramiz Hajratalli was found guilty of two counts of burglary and two counts of criminal mischief in Saratoga County Court on Tuesday. He’ll be sentenced on April 26. The 32-year-old former insurance company supervisor stood trial after his arrest for entering homes in Saratoga Springs and watching people sleep. He had rejected a plea deal that would have sent him to prison for seven years.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW NOR NAKED PEOPLE…

People living in a Florida nudist community say they’re tired of not getting their mail from the postal service. The nudists at the Eden RV Resort in Hudson say one carrier refuses to deliver mail inside of their community because it makes her uncomfortable. Residents are outraged and are concerned they’re missing important pieces of mail. “There’s a postal creed and it doesn’t say anything about them not coming to nudist resorts. I pay for a service, I expect that service,” resident Leonard Rusin said. They say this has been going on for months and have even reached out to the carrier’s supervisor. The post office says that carrier is doing nothing wrong and is entitled to her right not to deliver mail if she’s uncomfortable.

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Boner Candidate #2: PLAYING THE HOLOCAUST CARD

A gun-loving Alaska congressman suggested that Jews might not have perished in the Holocaust if they had been armed, according to reports. “How many millions of people were shot and killed because they were unarmed? Fifty million in Russia,” Rep. Don Young said during a meeting in Juneau on Thursday, according to KTOO. “How many Jews were put in the ovens because they were unarmed?” added the 84-year-old Republican, who has represented the state in Congress since 1973. Dimitri Shein — an Anchorage Democrat running for Young’s seat — was at the Alaska Municipal League meeting when he asked the longtime NRA board member what could be done to prevent school shootings. Young said he favors allowing teachers to carry guns, an idea President Trump has been promoting since the Feb. 14 school massacre in Florida. Invoking the Holocaust and the Nazi regime’s 1938 ban on Jews owning weapons is a common tactic employed by opponents of gun control, according to the Forward, a news outlet for American Jews. The Anti-Defamation League has said it was preposterous to argue that Jews could have defeated the Third Reich with personal firearms.

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Boner Candidate #3: NASCAR, ALCOHOL, AND HAVING A GOOD TIME

A woman was arrested for allegedly striking her boyfriend because he interrupted sex to check on dinner. Like most stories in Paisley, it involves Nascar, alcohol, and “having a good time.”  According to the Lake County Sheriff’s Office, a deputy received a call about a domestic disturbance on the evening of Feb 25. Dispatch said that the female half of the altercation was at the Paisley Mart located on C.R. 42. The boyfriend was still at their place on Pink Panther Rd. At the Paisley Mart, 51-year-old Teresa Warren told the officer that her and her boyfriend were “drinking alcohol and having a good time,” but then suddenly out of nowhere he just punched her in the face with a closed fist. She did have a red mark on her face. She claimed that she lost consciousness and when she woke up she ran to her boyfriend’s car and left. Of course she went to Paisley Mart, because there’s really nowhere else to go out there. Like most Florida Womans (yes it’s spelled that way because Florida Woman is a proper noun), she’s not originally from Florida. She was born in Michigan, which explains a lot.

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