Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for May 2nd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?

New York • A veterinarian pleaded not guilty on Tuesday to U.S. charges that he turned puppies into drug couriers for a Colombian trafficking ring by stitching packets of liquid heroin into their bodies. Andres Lopez Elorza appeared in federal court in Brooklyn after being extradited from Spain, where he was arrested in 2015 on a U.S. warrant. He was ordered held without bail. Lopez Elorza, 38, who also goes by Lopez Elorez, became a fugitive in 2005 when authorities arrested about two dozen suspected traffickers in Colombia. Before he fled, the defendant had “gained some notoriety” from accusations that he was part of a barbaric scheme that turned an undetermined number of puppies and dogs into “animal couriers” by stitching packets of liquid heroin into their bodies, Assistant U.S. Attorney Nathan Reilly told a magistrate judge on Tuesday. It is believed that the dogs were sent on commercial flights to New York City, where the drugs were cut out of them, authorities said. Investigators believe the puppies would have died in the process, but it was unknown how many were involved.

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Boner Candidate #2: VANCE SAID, “DON’T DO THIS VANCE. YOU’RE WRONG VANCE.”

An Alaska state trooper was arrested Sunday on charges of attempted sexual abuse of a minor when he showed up for a hotel date he set up with a 16-year-old girl, troopers say. Charges say the trooper drove to the rendezvous in his patrol car carrying a pair of Victoria’s Secret underwear he purchased for the girl. Trooper Vance Peronto, 57, a 16-year veteran of the public-safety agency, met the teenager April 8 when he pulled her over for driving without headlights on the Kenai Spur Highway, according to troopers. Peronto did not write the girl a ticket and let her go with a warning. Peronto messaged the girl on Facebook the next morning and sent a “friend request,” the charges say. The two began sending messages that quickly became flirtatious, according to prosecutors. When Peronto asked how old the girl was and she replied that she was 16 he wrote “WOOW Gulp,” according to the charges. He told the girl he was 57. Over the course of a few days, the messages became “very explicit” and sexual, prosecutors say. Peronto asked the girl to send him “pics, pics, pics” and she did, sending at least one image where she “appears … either completely nude or wearing only a pair of women’s panties.”

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S A POLICY WE DESIGNED FOR YOU.

A Chinese restaurant in Toronto was slapped with a $10,000 fine for making a black customer prepay for his dinner, according to a new report. Emile Wickham and three friends, who are also black, were celebrating a birthday at Hong Shing in May 2014 when the waiter told them it was the restaurant’s policy to pay for the food ahead of time, Toronto’s Globe and Mail reported. Wickham, 31, asked other patrons if they too had to prepay – and quickly learned the “rule” only applied to his table. When the group questioned the server, he admitted they were the only ones who prepaid and asked if they wanted a refund. The friends took their money and left. The Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario found Wickham and his friends were the only black people in the restaurant at the time, according to a report issued April 18. Esi Cojoe, vice chairwoman of the tribunal, said the restaurant treated Wickham as “a potential thief in waiting.”

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WE’LL TELL THE COPS HE HAS A GUN.

An elementary school principal in Houston is being criticized after she reportedly joked about telling police that a black special-needs student brought a gun to the school. On April 17, Shanna Swearingen, the principal at Ponderosa Elementary School, made made joke to three staff members. The boy has had behavioral problems and has been known to run from class, according to The Houston Chronicle. Swearingen reportedly told the staff members that the next time that happened, “We won’t chase him. We will call the police and tell them he has a gun so they can come faster.” The comments came to light on a Facebook group dedicated to the school, angering parents. “It’s disgusting … That kind of comment is disgusting. Even if it was a joke, how could you even recant something like that?” parent Jessica Spoonemore told Houston TV station KPRC. “Children are getting killed [by] guns, violence … That was very unnecessary and disturbing, especially for an elementary school.”

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Boner Candidate #2: BECAUSE METH.

A 51-year-old homeless man stands accused of trespassing after an incident last week in which he entered Gov. Jerry Brown’s residence, the historic governor’s mansion on H Street. The California Highway Patrol confirmed that Steven Seeley was arrested for trespassing “on the executive residence property, breaking a side window on the first floor of the residence.” Brown’s protective detail was “on site throughout the incident” on April 19, according to Fran Clader, a CHP spokeswoman. She said Seeley was “behaving erratically.” Clader declined to answer questions about how Seeley entered and exited the home or where and when he was arrested. Brown’s press office declined to comment. Seeley, in an interview from the Sacramento County Jail on Thursday, said he entered the residence without interference. He said he saw wild animals, possibly lions or cougars, on the streets of midtown Sacramento and walked in through the front door of the home to alert Brown’s security detail because he knew they had “big guns.” He said he wanted to prevent the governor from being attacked.

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU ORDER A CHEESEBURGER AT AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT.

A woman is claiming the manager of a restaurant came to her house at 10 p.m. after she left a “mediocre” Yelp review. Yesha Callahan of Loudoun County, Virginia, said she ordered food for delivery from La Porchetta, an Italian restaurant in Sterling. When the driver arrived, Callahan said he asked her to leave a review on the eatery’s Yelp page. “My dinner was delivered & the delivery guy asked me to leave a review on @YelpNoVA. So I left a 3 star review bc it was mediocre,” she wrote on Twitter. Callahan, who ordered a burger and a zeppole, a deep-fried Italian pastry, logged on to the site and left her feedback with the star rating. “Tried this place based on the reviews and the fact that they had zeppoles on the menu, which you don’t come by often,” her review read. “Ordered the cheese burger, which was very dry & unseasoned.

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