Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for May 7th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: CHARLIE ROSE AND THE “BRIMMING TOILET.”

A former intern for Charlie Rose – one of more than two dozen women to accuse the disgraced television journalist of sexual misconduct – says her old boss once had her unclog his toilet, which was “brimming with feces.” “Of all my assignments for Charlie Rose, the one that came with the oddest sense of happiness was when he asked that I unclog the toilet in the master bedroom of his Bellport, [LI], home,” wrote Reah Bravo in a lengthy essay published on The New York Review of Books on Friday. “It was brimming with feces and had left the upstairs smelling like a factory farm. My yellow dish gloves were flimsy and it was impossible to move the plunger without excrement slopping from the bowl. But I confidently reassured myself, ‘No man would ask this of a woman with whom he wanted to have sex,’” wrote Bravo, who later became an associate producer for PBS.

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Boner Candidate#2: MAN BITES DOG.

A man was arrested Thursday evening after he apparently randomly attacked police officers and, later, bit a police dog. About 10 p.m., the man spotted gang detectives while he was standing near a van about 1200 W. Lexington Ave. Officers said the man started yelling at them before getting into his van and driving toward them “at a very high rate of speed,” according to a news release. The man was reportedly trying to ram the officers’ vehicle, but police narrowly avoided that attempt. The man then stopped his vehicle in the middle of the road, and yelled and revved his engine at officers. He drove at them and backed away multiple times, before ramming into the police vehicle head-on as other officers arrived at the scene.

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Boner Candidate #3: GRANNY NEEDED A BIT OF FUN

MILTON, Mass. — A Massachusetts man who led police on a car chase with his 81-year-old grandmother in the backseat has had his bail set at $7,500 cash. Patrick Laubenstein was arraigned Wednesday on charges including abuse or neglect of an elderly person and failure to stop for police. Authorities say Laubenstein, of Randolph, picked up his grandmother from her nursing home Tuesday and took her to Envision Bank, where he tried to withdraw $1,000 from her bank account. The bank refused to give the money to Laubenstein, who took off as police arrived. Authorities called off the chase after they realized Laubenstein’s grandmother was in the car. Police later arrested Laubenstein at his friend’s house in Milton. Laubenstein’s lawyer says his grandmother was unharmed and wanted to give him the money.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I WAS MAKING SURE EVERYONE WAS SAFE.

NEWTON, MA (WHDH) – A Dorchester man who stopped his car in traffic and climbed onto the roof of a school bus on the Mass Pike in Newton Tuesday claims he just wanted to make sure everyone on board was OK. “I wanted to make sure that the passengers of that bus were safe,” Kevin Crowe told 7News. “I looked through the front windshield because that was the only window which was not so tinted.” Crowe, 42, has been summonsed to appear in Newton District Court on charges of disorderly conduct, negligent operation of a motor vehicle, failure to use care in stopping, and for committing a marked lanes violation, state police said in a statement. The bizarre incident, which was captured on the bus dashcam, happened as other motorists were passing by about 7:45 p.m. on the westbound side near exit 16. Crowe could be seen stopping in the middle travel lane, forcing the school bus traveling behind him to stop. He then proceeded to get out of his car and try to gain access to the bus, only to be denied entry by driver Joe Rizoli.

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Boner Candidate #2: SANTA AND 90 POUNDS OF PANTIES.

A man known in his trailer park community as “Santa Claus” insisted he meant no harm when he broke into his neighbor’s home and car and left her handwritten notes and underwear and expressed his desire that she would wear the panties. Some of the panties belonged to her — which led to the three burglary charges for Isitro Lee Sanches. The Panama City man was also charged with aggravated stalking last April by the Bay County Sheriff’s Office. Sanches’ attorney argued that prosecutors had no direct evidence that tied him to stalking the woman. But Bay Area detectives, tipped by the woman’s boyfriend who saw Sanches in her kitchen with a startled look on his face, helped prove otherwise. Sanches was captured when he ran into a nearby stretch of woods after being spooked by the boyfriend who had chased him and identified the bearded man as the neighborhood’s “Santa Claus.” Officers soon found three 30-pound bags of women’s underwear — 90 pounds, the same weight as a newborn calf, and nearly as heavy as a standard toilet — inside his residence. Sanches wouldn’t answer the detectives’ questions, but investigators spoke with family members about his behavior, Bay County sheriffs said.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE EXPLODING PEE SAMPLE

Urine trouble now!

A woman in Aurora, Colorado, has been cited for property damage after she allegedly used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a white plastic bottle filled with urine on Thursday morning. The bottle blew up in the process, and the pee ended up dripping out of the microwave, according to Denver NBC affiliate KUSA. When the bottle exploded, 26-year-old Angelique Sanchez allegedly left the convenience store. As you might expect, the on-duty clerk was pissed. She told police she threatened to call law enforcement if Sanchez didn’t clean up the mess, according to KOAA, the NBC affiliate in Pueblo. According to the police report, Sanchez did come back and wiped up the microwave, but she apparently just took napkins and wiped the substance on the floor before walking out again. That’s when police were called. Responding officers found Sanchez at a nearby clinic where she was due to take a urinalysis test for a potential employer, according to the Associated Press. When confronted, Sanchez reportedly told the police officer that “she had cleaned up the mess and did not understand the problem,” according to a police report obtained by KUSA.

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