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Boner Preview Candidates for August 17, 2015

It’s Monday again, and we need YOUR help in choosing today’s Boner finalists!

Pre-Boner Candidate #1: PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE AMMUNITION

An Alabama church has opened a gun range behind its sanctuary as an extension of its fellowship, WIAT reports. The red-clay dirt range behind the Rocky Mount United Methodist Church in Jemison began as an overgrown gully once filled with snakes and vermin, according to the station, and has turned into a ministry that includes guns, bullets and the Bible. Mount Union’s pastor, Phillip Guin, says the idea of a gun range came up because “we had quite a number of church members, some elderly ladies, for example, and some not-so-elderly women that had purchased guns, but didn’t know how to use them.” The range was originally used to teach firearm safety, but then transitioned into the Rocky Mount Hunt and Gun Club because many in the congregation hunt or are gun enthusiasts. “This is an opportunity for us to reach out in the name of Jesus Christ in a setting that is completely unique. Even odd by some people’s standards. But who’s to say that church can’t happen right here,” Guin told WIAT.

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Pre-Boner Candidate #2: THE MICHAEL BROWN BONUS

The Guardian reports that St. Louis County police are investigating Officer Todd J. Bakula after he made a Facebook post bragging about his “annual Michael Brown bonus,” an apparent reference to extra income earned while working during protests in Ferguson this week. Police responded aggressively to demonstrations marking the one year anniversary of Michael Brown’s death. Many St. Louis County police officers ended up working overtime. “I decided to spend my annual Michael Brown bonus on a nice relaxing bicycle ride trip to Defiance,” Bakula wrote on his Facebook page. Defiance is a recreation destination about 40 miles from Ferguson. “Eating dinner now and staying at a bed and breakfast tonight.” St. Louis County media relations officer Shawn McGuire confirmed to The Guardian by email that Bakula is a patrolman with the St. Louis County police department. “We understand the post is controversial,” McGuire wrote. “The St Louis County police department takes these allegations very serious in every case. The remarks on the Facebook page will be investigated by our department.”

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Pre-Boner Candidate #3: IT’S JUST SOME GIRL IN PARAGUAY. NOT SOMEONE I HAVE TO LOOK IN THE EYE OR THINK ABOUT EVER AGAIN

GOP presidential candidate and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee said that he supports the decision to deny an abortion to a 10-year-old rape victim in Paraguay. “I wouldn’t pretend it’s anything other than a terrible tragedy, But let’s not compound the tragedy by taking yet another life,” he said in an interview with Dana Bash on CNN’s State of the Union Sunday. The victim, an unidentified girl in Paraguay, was raped by her stepfather in a case that has attracted attention worldwide. Laws in the South American country prevented the girl from receiving an abortion. Huckabee acknowledged that many people, including some in his own party, find this position outside the mainstream and said he respects that position but feels he needs to remain consistent. “If life matters, and if that’s a person, then every life matters,” he said.

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Pre-Boner Candidate #4: HOORAY FOR HUMMILIATION, RELIGION AND HAVING YOUR DAY IN COURT

A group that advocates the separation of church and state has filed a complaint about a Texas judge who ordered a man to marry his girlfriend as a condition of probation. The Freedom From Religion Foundation said Friday it filed the complaint against Smith County Court-at-Law Judge Randall Rogers a day earlier with the Texas State Commission on Judicial Conduct in Austin. On July 2, Rogers gave 21-year-old Josten Bundy 30 days to marry 19-year-old Elizabeth Jaynes or face 15 days in jail for pleading guilty to misdemeanor assault. Bundy admitted punching Jaynes’ ex-boyfriend twice in the jaw for “saying disrespectful things” about her. Rogers then gave him a choice between two years of probation or 15 days in jail, according to Jaynes. The probation terms included requiring Bundy to write out a Bible verse 25 times a day (“If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it.” — Proverbs 26:27), and getting married within 30 days. “We figured he’d get probation but were surprised about the other conditions, especially the marriage,” Jaynes told CNN.

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Pre-Boner Candidate #5: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET HIT BY A DINNER ROLE, DON’T GO TO A PLACE WHERE THEY THROW DINNER ROLES

Missouri may soon have its own version of the infamous Liebeck v. McDonald’s Restaurantshot-coffee lawsuit. Lambert’s Cafe, the Sikeston-based restaurant chain proudly known as the “Home of Throwed Rolls,” featuring servers who lob dinner rolls across the dining hall to guests, is being sued for a roll-related injury. The suit was filed yesterday against the Sikeston restaurant by University City-based attorneyWilliam Meehan on behalf of a gal named Troy Tucker. Tucker claims she “sustained a lacerated cornea with a vitreous detachment and all head, neck, eyes and vision were severely damaged” after being hit by a roll during a September 2014 visit. The practice of throwing rolls is deemed a “defective condition” of Lambert’s, and the suit claims that the restaurant knew (or should have known) about the danger of this practice.

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Pre-Boner Candidate #6: GOAT MAN

Some people use their vacation time to go to Disney World. Thomas Thwaites used his to become a goat. Having commissioned prosthetic limbs in order to make the experience more authentic, the England-based designer lived among a goat herd for three days in September 2014. An exhibition of Thwaites’ work with the goats will be made available to the public in London next month. Thwaites told Mashable in an email that the project came out of a desire to simplify his life; to take a vacation from his problems. “My goal was to take a holiday from the pain and worry of being a self-conscious being, able to regret the past and worry about the future,” he said. Aside from the prosthetics, Thwaites prepared by studying the cognitive and physical aspects of what it’s like to literally be a goat. To put it simply: He did not take this lightly.

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