!!! WINNER !!!
Boner Candidate #1: HE SAYS IT’S UNIMAGINABLE FEAR
A University of Utah student, 22 year old Lisandro Pantaleon Pacheco has been detained by ICE just days before he was set to graduate. Pacheco’s mother had unlawfully brought him to the United States when he was one year old. His only offense is a traffic citation. He was taken into custody by ICE on the morning of April 29 while driving to his first day of a new job in Park City. “It is an unimaginable fear that you wake up with every day, praying and wishing that your loved ones come home,” Pacheco’s girlfriend says. She expressed how excited he was to graduate, but that he didn’t get the chance to try on his graduation gown before he was detained. “He is an incredible person… the kindest person you will ever meet…one conversation with him and you can really see the brightness that he brings to everyone’s lives.” Pacheco had also recently purchased a ring and was planning to propose to his girlfriend the week after graduating.
Boner Candidate #2: HIS FELLOW INMATES IN PRISON WILL LOVE ‘LOOKSMAXXING.’
The 20-year-old ‘looksmaxxing’ influencer Clavicular is accused of battery, emotional distress, and fraud in a lawsuit filed by 18-year-old influencer Alorah Ziva. Clavicular and Ziva met through social media last year, and Clavicular allegedly wanted her to be the female face of for looksmaxxing and helped her gain followers by writing content for her. Upon their first meeting, Ziva claims that she was given alcohol to the point of being unable to consent, and was then forced into sexual activity multiple times by Clavicular. Another one of these claims comes from a Kick stream Clavicular hosted where he allegedly injected Ziva with Aqualyx, an “unapproved drug” intended to “melt fat on her cheeks as part of his promise to help her with her online presence through looksmaxxing” that Ziva believes contained “methamphetamine or another undisclosed substance.” Ziva says the injections led to “severe emotional distress, trauma, humiliation, nightmares, fear, panic, and mental anguish.” Clavicular’s attorney, Steve Kramer, vehemently denies the claims.
Boner Candidate #3: JESSE BRAGS ABOUT BEING AN UNFUNNY LOUT.
Jesse Watters, MAGA Fox News Host, had to be escorted away from Camilla, the Queen of the United Kingdom after joking about gun violence before a grand state dinner at the White House. Camilla, and King Charles were in D.C to rescue the “special relationship” they have with the U.S. after a series of transatlantic spats. Watters was among those who were introduced to the royal couple before the planned banquet. Durring the walkthrough where introductions are done Watters talked to to the couple. Watters recounts, “So we go down, and there’s the queen, and I said, ‘Well, how was the beehive?’ And she goes, ‘It was very good. No one got stung.’ And then I said, ‘Well… it was Washington D.C… if the bees don’t get you, the guns will.’ And then this woman just starts pulling me away from them.” Watters made this mistake only three days after a gunman attacked the White House Correspondents Dinner.
