Boners

Boner Candidates April 22, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: THE MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS

Bystanders ignored a Chicago assault victim lying lying on the street. Moments later, a taxi accidentally ran over his body and killed him. Surveillance video released Wednesday and first obtained by the Chicago Tribune shows Marques Gaines, 32, getting into an argument with another man outside a 7-Eleven last February. Gaines is shown trying to leave the situation before the man, dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt, punches Gaines once, knocking him unconscious on the street. Just seconds after his body hits the ground, two men run up to Gaines and appear to rifle through his pockets before leaving. While a store clerk dialed 911, a group of bystanders can be seen on video surrounding Gaines’ body before ultimately walking away, leaving the helpless man on the road. Less than a minute later, a taxi turning the corner runs over his body. Gaines later died at the hospital.

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Boner Candidate #2: JOHN KASICH…JUST BEING HONEST

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Boner Candidate #3: DEAR HEROIN ADDICTS, THE GOV. OF MAINE WANTS YOU DEAD.

Maine Gov. Paul LePage has routinely attracted attention for off-color, racist orbizarre public statements. But in what ranks as one of the most vicious messages ever to accompany a veto, LePage explained Wednesday that he blocked a bill to increase access to a life-saving overdose medication because the people it could save are just going to die later anyway. “Naloxone does not truly save lives; it merely extends them until the next overdose,” LePage wrote. It was not the first time LePage had shared such a belief, but attaching it to his veto elevated it to a statement of official policy. “Creating a situation where an addict has a heroin needle in one hand and a shot of naloxone in the other produces a sense of normalcy and security around heroin use that serves only to perpetuate the cycle of addiction,” he wrote.

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