Boners

Boner Candidate Preview August 11, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: GETTING INVOLVED WITH MEL WAS THE FIRST SIGN SHE’S DUMB

Mel Gibson’s baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, just got word from a California appeals court … she made one of the worst business decisions in the history of business … because they just ruled she’s only entitled to 1/60 of what should could have gotten from him had she just shut her trap. The California Court of Appeals just dropped the hammer, saying Oksana screwed herself when she went on Howard Stern in 2013 and claimed domestic abuse at the hands of Gibson. The actor was on the hook for $750,000 — a settlement he had struck with her — but had only shelled out $250,000.

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Boner Candidate #2: MIKE HUCKABEE AND THE FUN OF ZIKA

Zika virus is no laughing matter ― unless, apparently, you’re Mike Huckabee warming up the crowd at a Donald Trump rally. The former Arkansas governor and failed Republican presidential candidate mocked concerns over the devastating virus so he could take a potshot at Trump’s Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, during a Wednesday evening rally for Trump in Sunrise, Florida. “I’m a lot more afraid of a Hillary Clinton presidency than I am of getting a mosquito bite in South Florida,” Huckabee said. Huckabee’s dismissive attitude toward the virus is not shared by women who are pregnant or may become pregnant. One day earlier, a Texas infant died in the state’s first Zika-related death.

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Boner Candidate #3: BLOOD IN THE WATER

A gym has ended up in hot water over a poster apparently banning women on their periods from its pools. The sign appeared at the high-end Vake Swimming Pool and Fitness Club in Tbilisi, the capital of Georgia. Some have accused the pool of mysogyny and sexism. The club said it was protecting its members claiming that the pool had previously been contaminated and this was a preventative measure. They said: ‘Our statement is not sexist and has a preventive objective. We had a case, when the water was contaminated due to which we had suffered damage. We try to follow norms of hygiene and we ask our members to do the same.’

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Boner Candidate #4: WILD, WILD WEST JORDAN

City leaders tried but failed Wednesday to censure Councilman Jeff Haaga for violating his oath of office by seeming to claim to be above the law when he was involved in an alleged misdemeanor hit-and-run crash. The censure motion received a 3-2 vote but failed because four affirmative votes are required to pass the seven-member council. Two members were absent, including Haaga — which itself sparked criticism. “He’s not here tonight; that means he is a coward,” said resident Craig Pearce during the public comment period. “Tonight, I think we need to cut the cancer out.”

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Boner Candidate #5: WELL, I CAN’T STAND UP TO SCOTT WALKER

Jimmy Anderson lost his parents, his brother and his ability to move from the chest down when a drunken driver hit their car in California in 2010. His subsequent insurance battle and his work to help victims of drunken driving are now spurring the 29-year-old to run for Wisconsin Assembly in the 47th District.  A last-minute radio ad in a Wisconsin Assembly district goes after a candidate for not “standing up” to Gov. Scott Walker (R). That candidate, Jimmy Anderson, is paralyzed from the chest down.

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Boner Candidate #6: APPARENTLY HIS CHURCH MISSION TAUGHT HIM NOTHING

A Piute County man pleaded guilty last month to poaching and killing a bald eagle and a buck deer in southern Utah. The two charges — wanton destruction of protected wildlife and attempted wanton destruction of protected wildlife — were filed as third-degree felonies, but each was amended to a class A misdemeanor during the poacher’s initial court appearance. He pleaded guilty in Sixth District Court to the lessened charges on July 18 and was ordered to pay $1,400 as restitution.

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