Boner of the Day

Boner Candidate Preview August 24, 2016

Boner Preview #1: CROCODILES IN HUMPTY DOO

Closed-circuit security video made public by the Northern Territory Police shows vandals letting three crocodiles loose in a high school administration building. Wanted: the shirtless reptile-hurlers of Humpty Doo. It sounds like a crazy caper in a children’s book. But the police in Australia are serious. Investigators in the Northern Territory announced on Sunday that they needed the public’s help in identifying four half-naked men who had broken into a school office in the town of Humpty Doo, shattering a window and heaving a few saltwater crocodiles inside. Presumably, investigators also want the answer to that age-old question of crime-solving: Why did you do it?

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Boner Preview #2: A REALLY BAD PLAN

A 34-year-old man laid down in front of a car driven by a friend, and was killed as the woman drove away from his birthday party just after midnight Sunday, police said. Jonathan Carlyle Merkley, of Garden Grove, was celebrating his 34th birthday night at the Staybridge Suites hotel, in the 6600 block of Mira Mesa Boulevard, at about 12:30 a.m. According to San Diego police, Merkley friends’ had been drinking alcohol at the hotel when the unidentified woman tried to get behind the wheel.

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Boner Preview #3: HE’S DEAF!

A North Carolina state trooper shot and killed 29-year-old Daniel Harris — who was not only unarmed, but deaf — just feet from his home, over a speeding violation. According to early reports from neighbors who witnessed the shooting this past Thursday night, Harris was shot and killed “almost immediately” after exiting his vehicle. He appeared to be trying to communicate with the officer via sign language. “They should’ve de-escalated and been trained to realize that this is an entirely different situation,” neighbor Mark Barringer said. “You’re pulling someone over who is deaf, they are handicapped. To me, what happened is totally unacceptable.”

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Boner Preview #4: GET OUT WITH ALL THAT GAY

In a vicious, premeditated attack, a Georgia man threw boiled water on a same-sex couple who were asleep in bed, and told one of the men “get out of my house with all that gay,” a prosecutor said Tuesday. Martin Blackwell is on trial facing charges including aggravated battery and assault in the Feb. 12 attack that caused severe burns and multiple surgeries for Anthony Gooden and Marquez Tolbert, who were asleep together after working an overnight shift. “I woke up to the most unimaginable pain in my entire life,” Tolbert said, sobbing frequently during his testimony. “I’m wondering why I’m in so much pain. I’m wondering why I’m wet. I don’t understand what’s going on.”

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Boner Preview #5:WE NEED THE HELP MORE THAN THEY DID

Call it logrolling or one hand washing the other, a generally recognized fact in Washington is that if you want something for your district, it pays to agree to the same thing for another guy’s district. That point may have been lost on three Louisiana congressmen when they voted against a $50.5-billion relief package for the victims of Superstorm Sandy. The 2012 storm ravaged coastal communities in New Jersey and New York. Now they’re in the position of needing the same sort of aid for their own state. How will that play out?

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Boner Preview #6: THE FRIENDLY SKIES OF NEW ZEALAND AIR

Air New Zealand’s management said it is “shocked and appalled” by social media posts made by its flight crews. The posts include images of a blow-up doll posing with a pilot in the cockpit and a video of a flight attendant spitting water in an empty cabin along with the caption: “Wish I could spit on passengers like this.” The images appear to be more than a year old, but they nonetheless have ignited a media firestorm in New Zealand after being unearthed by local media there.

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