Boner Candidate #1: WE ARE A GIANT CORPORATION AND WE WILL CRUSH YOU
In its quest to own the “Park City” name, Vail’s name is, well, mud. At least with about 250 residents who rallied Wednesday in front of City Hall to protest the Colorado-based corporation’s application to trademark the name “Park City.” They held placards that read “Park City: Our Town, Our Name” and “Just Say No to Vail-ed Threats.” Singer Tony Oros led the crowd in a rendition of the Beatles’ “Revolution” and other protest songs. He even tweaked the lyrics to “The Ballad of John and Yoko” to say, “The way things are going, they’re going to crucify P.C.” The trademark application has been filed. The deadline for objections was July 9, but Park City Hall has sought a 60-day extension. An online petition against Vail Resorts’ application has garnered 2,300 signatures.
Boner Candidate #2: SOMEDAY MY JEWS WILL BE ABLE TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN
Former Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann (R) returned to the spotlight this week with an unusual definition of “religious liberty.” Apparently, it’s a land where people of all faiths can come together and say “Merry Christmas.” Over the weekend, Bachmann told right-wing radio host Jan Markell that Donald Trump “gets and understands religious liberty.” To show how much Trump “gets and understands” it, Bachmann shared an anecdote she said came from a meeting with the reality-TV-star-turned-GOP-presidential-candidate. “He even said, ‘I don’t understand, when I was growing up, everybody said Merry Christmas. Even my Jews would say Merry Christmas,’” she explained. “’New York City, there are a lot of Jews, and they would even say Merry Christmas. Why can’t we even say Merry Christmas anymore?’”
Boner Candidate #3: THE PRESIDENT’S HAIR IS TRES DIFFICILE.
Sacré bleu! French taxpayers were not happy to learn they’ve been footing an annual six-figure bill to style President Francois Hollande’s hair. “9 895, c’est la salaire du coiffeur de Hollande!” the weekly newspaper Le Canard enchaîné declared on the front page of its July 13 edition, revealing that the embattled leader’s personal hairdresser earns a monthly income of 9,895 euros ― nearly $11,000. That works out to about $132,000 a year. By the end of Hollande’s five-year term next spring, France will have paid the mysterious barber a gross salary of more than 593,700 euros, or nearly $660,000, Le Canard enchaîné indicates in its article. French government spokesman Stephane Le Foll confirmed the startling figure. “Everyone gets haircuts,” he said. “This hairdresser had to abandon his salon and he’s on tap 24 hours a day.” Identified only as “Olivier B.”, the well-compensated hairdresser started working for Hollande at the start of his term. He reportedly travels with the president and signed a contract that commits him to secrecy regarding his work.
Boner Candidate #4: BEAUTY CONTESTANTS SHOULD GENERALLY REFRAIN FROM MAKING COMMENTS ON ANYTHING
The first black Miss Alabama apologized on Monday after suggesting that Micah Johnson, who fatally shot five Dallas police officers last week, was a “martyr.” Kalyn Chapman James, speaking to WPMI, an Alabama station, said she has received threats since posting an emotional video to Facebook on Sunday. “I don’t want to feel this way,” the 1993 pageant winner said in the original two-minute video, which was taken down late Tuesday morning. “I’m dealing with a bit of guilt because I don’t feel sad for the officers that lost their lives, and I know that that’s not really my heart. I value human life, and I want to feel sad for them, but I can’t help but [feel] like the shooter was a martyr.” On Monday, James clarified her stance. “What Micah did was wrong, period,” she told WPMI. “Maybe martyr wasn’t the right word but it was what came to mind at that time.”
Boner Candidate #5: PATRIOTIC CELEBRATIONS CAN BRING OUT THE BEST IN US.
Sparks are flying at City Hall over money spent on Kaysville’s Fourth of July celebrations earlier this month and who will ultimately end up footing the bill. At times shouting and pointing at fellow council members in a City Council meeting Thursday, Dave Adams berated his colleagues for scrutinizing his use of an estimated $5,000 in city credit card expenses to help prepare for the event. The issue? Some of the money was spent on repairs to Adams’ personally owned fire truck, “Big Red,” which has been used for the past 10 years to soak onlookers in Kaysville’s popular Fourth of July parade. During Thursday’s meeting, Councilman Chris Snell suggested placing tighter controls on credit card policies, concerned that the city was billed for Adams’ personal use. That’s when Adams’ temper flared, and he threatened to charge the city for his labor if he ended up stuck with the bill. “You want to tear me apart? Get prepared,” he snapped at Snell, according to a video recording of the meeting. “I’ll cut you a check for the $5,000 of expenses this year; I’ll cut it right now. But I will turn around and send you a bill for the labor. And I’m here to tell you, the labor’s going to be much, much worse.”
Boner Candidate #6: POKEMON GO NUDES? REALLY?
Welp. Everyone knew this would happen, right? Pokémon Go makes use of your camera, and you can take a picture of whatever you’d like while playing, after all. (NSFW content ahead!) Actually, right now the internet has a number of different kinds of Pokémon Gonudes floating around, with at least a couple of people purporting to use Pokémon Go during or right before sex. The most popular image, which you’ve probably seen by now, is titled “WHEN YOU ABOUT TO SMASH BUT POKEMONGO IS LIFE.” It is not the only image online: there are definitely more raunchy images floating around. Plenty of people are taking nude selfies and sharing them on social media too, and there’s an entire subreddit dedicated to NSFW Pokémon Go pictures. But the most common type of Pokémon Go nude pic has to be the dick pic. Surprising absolutely no one, dudes out there are showing off their latestPokémon capture by letting it all hang out. A cursory Tumblr search shows a lotmore of where that came from. It is probably only a matter of time before website Critique My Dick Pic finds itself having to judge a wang right next to a Doduo or whatever. Pray for them.
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