Boners

Boner Candidate Preview July 5, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: We Couldn’t Drive, We Were Drunk.

A mother and father have been arrested after they allegedly made their 15-year-old son drive them 115 miles while they were drunk. Timothy W. McCoy, 54, and Michelle Kirk, 45, from Reynoldsburg, Ohio, have been charged with child endangerment after their son was pulled over for speeding on Saturday morning. State troopers found McCoy in the passenger seat and Kirk in the back with her 12-year-old daughter. The boy told the officer they were heading to Cedar Point, but got lost and ended up driving all night. He was stopped in Vermillion while traveling at 83mph in a 70mph zone, MyFox8 reported. When asked for his licence and registration, the boy said he was only 15 and didn’t have any. Michelle Kirk tested .265 per cent and Timothy McCoy tested .184 per cent alcohol content.

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Boner Candidate #2: Muslims? Outside a mosque? Must be terrorists.

Two Muslim teenagers were beaten outside a New York City mosque by an attacker who shouted slurs at them, a rights group said Monday. Shocking photos show the pair with bruised and bloody faces, while a car daubed with blood reveals the severity of the assault. The attack early on Sunday was at least the third involving Muslims in the United States over the weekend. Several Muslim rights groups are calling for police to investigate the incident as a bias crime but a law enforcement source said investigators had ruled out the incident as such, despite witnesses citing that the assailant shouted ‘You f***ing terrorist’, during the attack.

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Boner Candidate #3: Now wait. Lost? According to whom?

A family that recently relocated to Davis County is safe after being lost in the woods during a hike. Authorities said the family, which included four children ranging in age from 3 years old to 13 years old, went missing in Fernwood for about three hours. They were new to the area and went for a hike, but left the trail they were on and became lost. Luckily, they had a cellphone and called for help, said Sgt. Brandon Roundy with the Davis County Sheriff’s office. Search and rescue crews were dispatched and were able to locate the family near Thurston Peak.

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Boner Candidate #4: Give those special kids a merit badge.

Parents in Denver are complaining after finding out their children attended a Cub Scout camp that was sponsored by Hooters. Michelle Kettleborough picked up her 7-year-old son from the Frontier District Day Camp and found him surrounded by people wearing Hooters visors. But parents say it isn’t the attire that irritates them — the women were wearing shorts and fitted T-shirts — but that Hooters doesn’t fit the philosophy of the Scouts. The Boy Scouts of America Denver Area Council says the restaurant chain, known for its scantily clad waitresses and sports-bar atmosphere, approached the organization about working with the scouts.

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Boner Candidate #5: Here, have some of this.

A man on Manhattan’s Upper East Side attempted to shove a bag of poop down a woman’s shorts on Monday. CBS New York reports that the 27-year-old woman was grabbed from behind as she walked down 74th Street between First and York. The attacker grabbed her waist, tried to shove the poo bag in her pants, and, per police, groped her buttocks. In the surveillance video above, you can see him throw both the poop and what looks like a glove when he doesn’t succeed.

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Boner Candidate #6: Use the money you earn.

Nicole Nichols’ 8-year-old daughter has diabetes; Nichols and her husband have come to rely on Medicaid to help supply life-saving essential medication for their daughter, because their two salaries are insufficient to cover their medical bills, which run in excess of $2000 month in out-of-pocket expenses. In frustration, she wrote to three of her state reps, two of whom were concerned and helpful, and one of whom, State Rep. Jeffrey Guice [R-Ocean Springs] sent her a short message reading, “I am sorry for your problem. Have you thought about buying the supplies with money that you earn?” Rep Guice declined to answer press questions about his response, saying only, “I don’t do interviews.”

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