Boners

Boner Candidate Preview June 23, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: YEP. HUMAN ERROR. REALLY STUPID HUMAN ERROR.

A review is underway at the District’s Pre-Trial Services agency after a GPS monitoring device was incorrectly placed on a man’s prosthetic leg. That man, 34-year-old Quincy Green, took off his leg and committed a murder. Dana Hamilton was shot to death on Southern Avenue last month and police had no suspects for six days until someone dropped a dime on Green. He was fitted with the GPS device after he had been arrested for carrying a pistol without a license. After receiving the tip on Green, police checked camera footage from the surrounding area and according to a nine page affidavit the gunman was spotted, with an obvious limp. Authorities filed a search warrant and inside Green’s residence officials recovered a box from the living room, inside the box was a prosthetic leg with a GPS tracking device. A device record showed that it had barely moved in a 72 hour period.

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Boner Candidate #2: UTAH SCHOOL BOARD CANDIDATE ADVOCATES CASTRATION

Depending on the outcome of Utah Board of Education races this year, schools might want to beef up their metal detectors and security details whenever a board member pays a visit. Not only guns should be a concern, but also pocketknives, box cutters and nail clippers. David Sharette, a candidate for the state board in District 8 in Salt Lake County, is steeped in the charter school culture. His mother, Carolyn Sharette, was one of the early founders of charter schools in Utah and now runs several. His uncle, Howard Headlee, was also involved in establishing charters and now heads the state Charter School Board.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE MAY BE TONE DEAF BUT WE DON’T WANT TO BE OFFENSIVE

BYUtv’s sketch comedy show “Studio C” has made a huge impression on the internet, with tens of millions of views for some of its sketches. Two of those sketches have been yanked offline and removed from on-demand and will not be repeated on TV after questions of ethnic insensitivity were raised. The two “Juan Who Works” bits featured a white actor decked out in a big sombrero and a colorful poncho, speaking with a cartoonish Mexican accent and acting sort of lazy and incompetent as a resort employee in one and a masseur in the other. Executive producer Scott Swofford, who is also BYUtv’s director of content, said the sketches were “intended” as “a look at the humorous reality of language and cultural barriers and the role that they play in messing up people’s vacations.” He pointed out that “Studio C” has parodied “police officers and farmers and soccer announcers and Republicans and Democrats and teachers and pregnant ladies and sanitation workers.” The difference in this case is that the character wasn’t simply parodied because of his job, but because of his ethnicity.

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Boner Candidate #4: SEE? I CAN BE FUNNY AND HUMAN

My staff and I want my Washington D.C. office to be a place where visitors from Utah feel at home. Every Wednesday at 3:30 p.m., we host “Jell-O with the Senator.” All are invited to come meet me and enjoy a serving of Utah’s official state snack. Dates and times are subject to change, so if you are planning on visiting my office during one of these events, you are welcome to call ahead for a confirmation – 202-224-5444. Here is the text from the bill passed by the Utah State Legislature designating Jell-O as the official state snack:

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Boner Candidate #5: REAL MEN

Five high school football stars in Pennsylvania have been cited after allegedly beating numerous animals to death and posing with their corpses. The five teens are facing fines for illegally killing wild animals and then posting a picture with their kills on Instagram, according to WNEP. An uncensored photo of the football players posing with the animals can be seen here. The five area football players posing with baseball bats and dead animals: a snake, raccoon, frogs, opossums, and pigeons. “I just don’t think it’s right there’s no reason to be going around and beating innocent animals and killing them. I just don’t think it’s right,” said Matt Mindler of Catawissa.

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Boner Candidate #6: MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN

Rick Tyler, an independent Congressional candidate for Tennessee’s 3rd district, is facing a boycott of his restaurant business after he advertised his candidacy with racist billboard messages like “Make America White Again.” In a Facebook post on Tuesday, Tennessee resident Amy Hines Woody expressed her outrage by posting a photo of the “Make America White Again” sign, WTVC reported. “This disgusting bunch of bigotry was erected about 20 minutes from our house,” she wrote, noting that Tyler owned Whitewater Grill in Ocoee. “Please, if you are the decent and loving people I know you to be, boycott this business.” Tyler also suggests that his billboard is based on Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” slogan. “Of great significance, as well, is the reality of the Trump phenomenon and the manner in which he has loosened up the overall spectrum of political discourse,” he noted. “The Make America White Again billboard advertisement will cut to the very core and marrow of what plagues us as a nation.” A second sign used words from Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech along with an illustration of the Confederate flag surrounding the White House.

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