Boners

Boner Candidate Preview June 8, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: THIS WILL TEACH HIM

A Florida woman burned her teen son’s hands on a hot stove for punishment after he sold marijuana he found under his parents’ bathroom sink, authorities say. Zayme Flores’ 15-year-old son sold the “bag of weed” so his parents wouldn’t use it, according to WESH. Flores, 34, appeared in court Monday on felony child abuse charges and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Police officers who arrived at the Orlando home say the boy had blisters on his hands.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT WAS SELF DEFENSE. HE TOUCHED MY ARM

A youth baseball umpire claims the mayor of an Illinois village assaulted him during a game – but the mayor says it was in self-defense. The umpire, 56-year-old Tim Nelson, told WGN the mayor broke his jaw in two places, requiring surgery. Monee, Illinois, Mayor Jay Farquhar got into the alleged altercation with the umpire Saturday morning at a baseball field at a local school.  An official from the Monee Baseball and Softball League told WGN the alleged incident happened over a foul ball dispute in the second inning during which Farquhar punched the ump.

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Boner Candidate #3: BIKE RIDING IS SO PROVOCATIVE

An ultra-orthodox Jewish leader has reportedly banned girls aged five and older in some areas of Israel from riding bicycles – claiming it is “immodest”. The rabbi of the Jerusalem neighbourhood of Nahloat distributed the stringent decree to his followers in synagogues across the area. He had said young girls riding bicycles could “cause serious damage to their modesty” and that bicycle seats caused young girls to sit in a way men found “provocative”, according to the Arutz Sheva 7 website.

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Boner Candidate #4: YOUR DAUGHTER’S VOTE FOR HILLARY COULD LITERALLY CHANGE HER LIFE

Religious Right activists have long campaigned against the Girl Scouts of the USA, and pastors Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner of Generations Radio have now joined in by urging listeners not to purchase Girl Scout cookies. “Please, I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout cookies,” Swanson said. “Please, I beg of you, stop buying Girl Scout cookies.” Swanson argued that the “wicked” Girl Scouts are promoting “lesbianism” and abortion, calling the cookies “food offered to idols.”

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Boner Candidate #5: DON’T COME NEAR ME. I’VE GOT A BRA HERE AND I’LL USE IT!

SPARTANBURG COUNTY, S.C. —A 31-year-old woman who was arrested Sunday evening became violent with deputies and tried to strangle herself with her bra, deputies said. After a Neighbor Watch tip at about 6:45 p.m. reported a suspicious person, deputies said they saw a woman, later identified as Christy Kelley, staggering and falling on Riverrun Drive. A deputy said that when he approached Kelley, she tried to stand up, but immediately fell down. Kelly told the deputy that she had been staying with friends who had attacked and injured her.

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Boner Candidate #6: MOM, THEY AREN’T DRUGS!

A student, who was accused of doing drugs, managed to prove her innocence in spectacular fashion when the capsules turned out to be a fun children’s toy. Texas-based Ashley Banks, 16, took to Twitter to share the exchange she had with her mother after she believed she had found an illegal substance in her daughter’s bedroom. The discovery occurred after Ashley texted her mother to ask her to put a calculator in their mailbox so her friend Mj could pick it up before her SAT exam.

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