Boners

Boner Candidate Preview May 2, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: EVEN LOBBYISTS WERE EMBARRASSED.

It’s not easy to embarrass a crowd of lobbyists with a plan to sell political access, but Gov. Gary Herbert and his political staff managed to do it Wednesday. With Herbert looking on, his campaign staff told a couple dozen lobbyists and supporters about their “speed-dating” plan that would grant one-on-one access with the governor to those willing to give generously to his re-election campaign. How generously? It would be gauche (and less lucrative) to name a price.

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Boner Candidate #2:  I NEEDED SOME FIRES TO FIGHT.

A former Mayerthorpe mayor says he remains supportive of his firefighter son, who faces 18 counts of arson for a spree of major fires he allegedly started in the Alberta town. The charges against 19-year-old Lawson Schalm are related to numerous suspicious fires in the area that began on April 19, including a massive one that destroyed the CN trestle bridge. On Sunday, Mayerthorpe fire Chief Randy Schroeder confirmed Schalm was one of the firefighters called to actively battle that fire, as well as four other fires during the course of the spree.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’LL SHOW THOSE BARISTAS WHO’S BOSS!

An Illinois woman is reportedly suing Starbucks for $5 million over the amount of ice it puts in customers’ drinks. Stacy Pincus accuses the coffee chain of packing almost half of their cold beverages with ice as a means to skimp on serving actual coffee to customers,according to the suit obtained by Courthouse News. When it comes to ordering a 24-ounce “Venti” coffee, for example, Pincus claims a customer only receives 14 ounces of actual coffee, and ice takes up the remaining 10.

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Boner Candidate #4: HOW DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS CONTINUE TO SURVIVE?

A high-ranking official in the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department resigned on Sunday after it was revealed that he had shared a series of racist and sexist jokes from his work email account in a previous job with the Burbank Police Department. Sheriff Jim McDonnell of Los Angeles County said in a statement that the official, Tom Angel, his chief of staff, had resigned on Sunday. His resignation came days after The Los Angeles Times first reported on the emails, which the newspaper said were obtained under the state’s open records act.

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Boner Candidate #5: THE BENGHAZI COMMITTEE GETS DESPERATE.

Rep. Trey Gowdy has embarrassed himself ever since he became the pitch man for the Benghazi conspiracy jackals and after made to look like a fool during Clinton’s eleven hour cross examination, you’d think he’d had enough of this by now. If you thought that, you’d be wrong because the Benghazi Select are now lowering themselves into a vat of acid. They are so desperate to save face that they are searching for a radio caller to the Sean Hannity show, who is suddenly some kind of an expert by talking with the gas guzzler of right wing propaganda.

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Boner Candidate #6: MY GUN WAS WITH ME A FEW MINUTES AGO.

A 75-year-old concealed-weapon-permit holder was walking his dog recently when he dropped his loaded .22-caliber Beretta on the playground of Oakdale Elementary and didn’t notice it was missing until he got home. Fortunately, a teacher found the gun before a student did. She turned it into the office, where Principal Kierstin Draper called the police. Cottonwood Heights Police Chief Robbie Russo said the gun owner had called police earlier to report he had lost his gun during his walk, so they easily connected the weapon at the nearby Sandy school to its owner.

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