Boners

Boner Candidate Preview September 14, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: COME ON MAN. PAY FOR WHAT YOU GET.

Police arrested a Montana man Sunday who they say impersonated a U.S. marshal to try and get out of paying two escorts. Joel Graf, 21, of Billings, was booked into the Utah County Jail for investigation of impersonating a police officer, threatening to use a dangerous weapon, obstruction of justice and supplying alcohol to a minor. On Sunday, police say Graf and another man hired two escorts to dance for them at the La Quinta Inn, 1460 S. University Ave.

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Boner Candidate #2: HELP. I’M HAVING IMPURE THOUGHTS

One complaint puts 44 young women at Timpview High School on the defensive. “We were told that we were not allowed to wear our uniforms anymore,” said Tess Rozier, a senior cheerleader at Timpview. Last week, Rozier said, the cheer coach told all the girls someone had complained the uniforms worn on game day in class were distracting a boy, causing him to have impure thoughts. Instead of wearing their uniforms, the girls for their “best dressed” for game day.  It didn’t sit well. “Everyone on the team was quite upset,” Rozier said.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE GOTTA TOUGHEN THESE YOUNG MARINES UP!

Recruits push through the final steps of the Crucible, the culminating training that is part of Marine Corps boot camp, at Parris Island, S.C., on Aug. 13, 2016. (Cpl. Vanessa Austin/ Marine Corps) A Muslim Marine said he was called a terrorist and ordered into an industrial clothes dryer multiple times by a drill instructor who then turned it on, burning him, according to investigative documents that provide new details about the alleged abuse of recruits at the service’s training center at Parris Island, S.C.

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Boner Candidate #4: IF HILLARY WINS CONSERVATIVE BLOOD WILL BE SHED

Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin (R) is worried about the lives of his grandchildren if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency. Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin (R) said on Saturday that conservatives may have to turn to physical violence to protect their values. “I want us to be able to fight ideologically, mentally, spiritually, economically, so that we don’t have to do it physically,” Bevin said during his speech at the Values Voter Summit in Washington. “But that may, in fact, be the case.”

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Boner Candidate #5: THE PEOPLE AT TRUMP RALLIES ONLY PUNCH OLD LADIES ON OXYGEN DESERVE TO BE PUNCHED, ALL RIGHT?

A woman protesting at a Donald Trump event in North Carolina on Monday night was allegedly assaulted by a supporter of the Republican presidential candidate.  “I said you better learn to speak Russian, and I said the first two words are going to be, ha ha. [The suspect] stopped in his tracks, and he turned around and just cold-cocked me,” Shirley Teter, 69, told the local ABC station WLOS.

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Boner Candidate #6: OK DIE FOR HIM

Ann Coulter, whose support of Donald Trump at one point appeared to falter with his shifting immigration stance, is standing by the Republican nominee no matter what. “I worship him like the North Koreans worship the ‘Dear Leaders’ — yes, I would die for him,” the conservative commentator joked to Politico’s “Off Message” podcast.

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