Boners

Boner Candidate Preview September 19, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: SOMEONE IN MY SPECIES DID THIS.

A young Cooper’s hawk whose wings had been clipped illegally is recovering at a Utah wildlife rescue facility. It was discovered weakened and flightless Monday in an affluent hillside subdivision above Bountiful. The male bird, dubbed Edward by its rescuers, is expected to survive, but it may never be able to be returned to the wild, according to HawkWatch International’s Joseph Dane.

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Boner Candidate #2: COME ON LIBERTARIAN; PAY ATTENTION!

Getting more exposure has come with another gaffe for Libertarian Gary Johnson. The third-party candidate was asked for his response to the frightening Chelsea explosion Saturday night, the pipe bomb in New Jersey and stabbings in Minnesota. “Well, first of all, just grateful that nobody got hurt,” Johnson proclaimed on CNN’s “Reliable Sources” Sunday.

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Boner Candidate #3: SHE TURNED MY HAMSTER INTO A FAT LITTLE PIG

A man rang police to report that his former girlfriend had left their hamster “looking like a fat little pig” by over-feeding it. He rang 101 and explained to the operator that it was his pet, but his ex-girlfriend wouldn’t give him back and she was overfeeding him. The call was one of several released by Northumbria Police in an attempt to persuade the public to stop bombarding them with unnecessary 101 calls.

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Boner Candidate #4: DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER

A North Carolina woman sought after her mother’s corpse was found in a freezer sold at a yard sale has been arrested, Goldsboro police said Friday. Marcella Jean Lee, 56, was arrested Thursday in Carolina Beach, about 100 miles south of Goldsboro, on a felony charge of failure to report a death, police said. She had been sought for more than three months after a neighbor reported finding the remains of Lee’s mother, 75-year-old Arma Roush. Roush lived with Lee and was last seen in August 2015. An autopsy found no signs of foul play in Roush’s death.

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Boner Candidate #5: THE LOWEST OF THE LOW

Police are calling it the “lowest of the low:” A man gave a fake $50 bill to a southeastern Michigan girl who was running a lemonade stand to raise money for Alzheimer’s disease research. The Monroe News says the man on a bike didn’t buy anything last Sunday in Monroe. He presented a note that said he was deaf and wanted to break the $50 bill into smaller bills. Maya Leachman says she was a “little mad” over the incident. She and her mother didn’t look closely at the phony bill until they counted donations later that day. Police Cpl. Terese Herrick says, “Hopefully, we’ll be able to get him.”

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Boner Candidate #6: IGUANAS ON A PLANE

A WestJet flight was grounded in Toronto after customs officers determined there were iguanas loose in the aircraft. WestJet spokesperson Lauren Stewart says a passenger on a flight from Cuba to Toronto was discovered to be carrying iguanas in his checked luggage. Stewart says the passenger had hidden four iguanas in his luggage but when they were discovered by customs officers in Toronto, only two of the lizards were in the suitcase.

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