Boners

Boner Candidates April 5, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: JUST BEING HONEST.

During the second half of the NCAA men’s basketball national championship on Monday, Utah Sen. Al Jackson tweeted a derogatory statement in reference to the appearance of the players participating in the game. The tweet said: “Great game tonight. Nice to see two clean cut teams compete void of tattoos and nappy heads.”Jackson, who is black, deleted the tweet and his Twitter account shortly thereafter. “My tweet wasn’t intended to hurt anybody’s feelings,” Jackson told The Tribune on Monday night. “It was an honest observation I made.” The senator, R-Highland, is leaving the Legislature, and Utah, midterm and will be “moving back East to be with family,” he said.

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Boner Candidate #2: I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST GONNA GIVE ME A MUSHER HIGH FIVE

Authorities in Alaska were investigating after a female competitor in this year’s Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race said two men on snowmobiles groped her as her mushing team passed by. Alaska State Troopers were looking into the March 13 incident as harassment for now, Trooper James Lester said Monday. The 27-year-old rookie musher reported the groping at the checkpoint in the village of Nulato, almost 350 miles from the Nome finish line. The incident happened a day after a man on a snowmobile intentionally drove into two top Iditarod teams, killing one dog and injuring others, authorities say. Lester said he has been trying to contact the rookie musher and has not interviewed her yet. The woman, who went on to complete the 1,000-mile race, couldn’t immediately be reached for comment by The Associated Press on Monday. The AP generally does not name people who may have been a victim of a sex crime. Lester described the groping as offensive touching on the buttocks.

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Boner Candidate #3: I KEEP A HANDCUFF KEY UP THERE AT ALL TIMES…JUST IN CASE.

A Baker County man had a handcuff key hidden in his rectum while he led deputies on a high-speed chase that ended when he was tasered after a K-9 was released on him, according to a police report. Nicholas Byram, 32, was charged with reckless driving, battery of a police officer, resisting arrest, drug possession and concealment of a handcuff key. According to authorities, it all started with a disturbance call on April 2 at a Baker County residence.When the Baker County Sheriff’s Office arrived, they saw Byram leave in the Jeep, the authorities gave chase. During the pursuit, which reached speeds of 110 mph in a 45 mph zone, Byram made repeated attempts to strike the patrol car that was chasing him, police said. Police said Byram threw a beer out of the vehicle during the chase, which continued despite a damaged left-front tire. The chase ended when the Jeep lost its left rear tire, sending it into a ditch, where it struck a tree.

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