Boners

Boner Candidate Preview June 14, 2016

BONER CANDIDATE #1: PERHAPS A GOOD SHOOTER WILL WIN THESE GUNS

One day after the worst mass shooting in American history, Tennessee State Rep. Andy Holt (R) said he plans to give away two AR-15 assault rifles — the same kind of weapon used in the massacre — as a “door prize” at an upcoming political fundraiser. Holt, a self-described conservative Christian, had announced last week that he would give away one AR-15 at “Hogfest,” a barbeque fundraiser on his farm that has a petting zoo and hay rides.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: MAN, SENATOR PERDUE REALLY HATES THE PRESIDENT

On Friday, “religious” conservatives, people supposedly of faith, met at the Faith and Freedom Coalition to spew the kind of hatred which God surely never intended for His children. That hatred was laser-pointed at the President of the United States by Republican Sen. David Perdue of Georgia, who recited the beginning of Psalm 109 — a terrifying biblical curse against a leader. It begins with “Let his days be few and let another take his office,” and ends with unspeakable harm to his widow and orphaned children.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND I HAD A GOOD REASON TO COMMIT THIS VIOLENT ASSAULT AGAINST YOU

Rapists don’t generally call 9-1-1 on themselves, but that is exactly what Joel Jones did after viciously attacking a woman at knifepoint. After the rape, Jones told the victim that he did it to get put back in jail so that he could get at those who shot and killed his 14-year old son. He met the victim when she answered a Craigslist ad to work for his cleaning company. He lured her to an office building with the ruse of her getting the job, and when she got there, he raped her at knifepoint.

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BONER CANDIDATE #4: WE REALLY WANT THAT PUPPY

Police in San Leandro are looking for robbers who stole a puppy at gunpoint from a 14-year-old boy. The San Francisco Chronicle says it happened Monday night as the boy walked a 3-month-old German shepherd named Maya. Police say two men rolled up in a car. The passenger got out and tried to snatch the dog but the boy resisted. The driver then got out with a gun. The men took nothing but the dog and fled.

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BONER CANDIDATE #5: FART FIGHT

In this bar fight at one of Key West’s most famous watering holes, it wasn’t a spilled drink or sleazy advance on someone’s wife that led to blows. According to the police report, a fight broke out between two couples this week when someone, who Friday remained unidentified, allegedly broke wind inside Sloppy Joe’s, 201 Duval St. “The argument was due to someone farting,” police were told by a man who went to the hospital for a dislocated shoulder after the scrap.

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BONER CANDIDATE #6: MOM? OH, SHE’S IN THE GUTTER.

A mother of three who was found passed out in a gutter after inviting a group of teenage boys to her home to play beer pong has been arrested, according to court documents. In a stunning mugshot destined for the hall of shame, Amber Renee Bradley, 29, of Layton, Utah, was pictured with heavy eye makeup running down her left eye. Bradley was charged with seven counts of child endangerment after police found beer, marijuana, drug paraphernalia, and Xanax in Bradley’s apartment next to four unconscious teens.

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