Boners

Boner Candidates June 22, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: PRAISE THE LORD AND PRAISE THE ORLANDO SHOOTER

In the wake of the attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida last week, many right-wing Christian religious leaders have celebrated the shooter’s actions, but a Texas pastor is taking that to a whole new level. Pastor Donnie Romero of Stedfast Baptist Church in Fort Worth told his flock he agrees “100 percent” with Baptist Pastor Roger Jimenez, who made news with his sermon advocating that the government should use a firing squad to “blow their brains out.” “These 50 sodomites are all perverts and pedophiles, and they are the scum of the earth, and the earth is a little bit better place now,” Romero said in the Sunday sermon. “And I’ll take it a step further, because I heard on the news today, that there are still several dozen of these queers in ICU and intensive care. And I will pray to God like I did this morning, I will do it tonight…”

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Boner Candidate #2: BABY POWDER + BLOW DRYER + WIFE = VERY BAD IDEA

Ardy Ruff of Little Rock, Arkansas, thought it would be cool to prank his wife, but it’s a joke that blew up in his face. Well, actually hers. Earlier this month, Ruff conspired with his young son to put baby powder in his wife Rachel’s blow dryer. Father and son expected a harmless “woosh” of white powder to come breezing out when Rachel turned on the blow dryer. That’s what happened. At first. Then came the flames, enough to fill the bathroom. Ruff filmed the incident which has the maniacal laugh of the couple’s son as the soundtrack. Rachel Ruff only suffered burned eyebrows from the incident. It’s unknown whether or not she’s giving her husband the cold shoulder, but he may want to sleep with one eye open for the near future.

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Boner Candidate #3: SOMEBODY PLEASE, PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN

Local advocates point to Utah not fully expanding Medicaid as a contributing factor to the state’s plummeting children’s health ranking in a national report. And they’re not sure if the state’s small-scale expansion will help improve the number of insured children in the state. The annual Kids Count Data Book released Tuesday by the Maryland-based Annie E. Casey Foundation ranked Utah 27th in the country for children’s health based on 2014 data. Last year, the state was ranked seventh based on 2013 data. The drop “is concerning,” said Jessie Mandle, health policy analyst for Voices for Utah Children. But overall, Utah ranked 10th in the nation in the report’s four categories: health, education, economic well-being and family and community. The number of Utah children uninsured remained unchanged at 9 percent between 2013 and 2014, according to the report. Terry Haven, the organization’s deputy director, said states that have expanded Medicaid saw their rates of uninsured children decrease.

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