Boners

Boner Candidates June 8, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: YOUR DAUGHTER’S VOTE FOR HILLARY COULD LITERALLY CHANGE HER LIFE

Religious Right activists have long campaigned against the Girl Scouts of the USA, and pastors Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner of Generations Radio have now joined in by urging listeners not to purchase Girl Scout cookies. “Please, I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout cookies,” Swanson said. “Please, I beg of you, stop buying Girl Scout cookies.” Swanson argued that the “wicked” Girl Scouts are promoting “lesbianism” and abortion, calling the cookies “food offered to idols.” “And that’s also the reason why people would be wrong to vote for Hillary Clinton,” Swanson then abruptly shifted his rhetoric. “Because, if you vote for her, you’re effectively sentencing your daughters to become lesbians someday. Hillary Clinton is doing, her entire policy is focused on empowering women and shifting the balance of power in America from men to women.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT WAS SELF DEFENSE. HE TOUCHED MY ARM

A youth baseball umpire claims the mayor of an Illinois village assaulted him during a game – but the mayor says it was in self-defense. The umpire, 56-year-old Tim Nelson, told WGN the mayor broke his jaw in two places, requiring surgery. Monee, Illinois, Mayor Jay Farquhar got into the alleged altercation with the umpire Saturday morning at a baseball field at a local school.  An official from the Monee Baseball and Softball League told WGN the alleged incident happened over a foul ball dispute in the second inning during which Farquhar punched the ump.  Nelson claims Farquhar also called him a drunk. Farquhar was managing a youth team on which his son plays.  The players are as young as 7 years old.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS WILL TEACH HIM

A Florida woman burned her teen son’s hands on a hot stove for punishment after he sold marijuana he found under his parents’ bathroom sink, authorities say. Zayme Flores’ 15-year-old son sold the “bag of weed” so his parents wouldn’t use it, according to WESH. Flores, 34, appeared in court Monday on felony child abuse charges and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Police officers who arrived at the Orlando home say the boy had blisters on his hands. “That’s terrible. That’s not a proper way to discipline a kid,” neighbor Kislene St. Hubert told WESH. “I really can’t understand how a mother can do this with a child,” Renato Scofield told the station.

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