Boners

Boner Candidates May 13, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: SHE’S A KILLER, BUT MAN SHE HOT

Last night, tweeting British man Piers Morgan aired the first part of “Killer Women,” a new special that, according to Piers, will “chill your soul.” But which part of meeting a killer did Piers find most terrifying? That someone so young and so hot could be so murdery at the very same time. Piers interviews several “killer women” over the course of the episode, but no one upsets him quite like convicted felon Erin Caffey. Thankfully, Piers captured his horror in a column for Rupert Murdoch’s beloved UK rag The Sun, “…I’ve never met anyone who sent chills up my spine quite like Erin Caffey.” Why? Because she’s a pretty, sweet, smiley, 4ft 11in, God- fearing young lady with a voice like an angel . . . who masterminded the savage slaughter of her entire family. How does he know that this woman who orchestrated her mother and brothers’ murders also happens to have the voice of an angel? Because he asked her to sing.

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Boner Candidate #2: I DON’T CUT BLACK HAIR

This week, police in South Carolina arrested a 65-year-old barber for allegedly brandishing a pistol after refusing to cut a man’s hair because he was black, the Associated Press reports. 37-year-old Arthur Hill, who recently moved to the state from New York, says he entered Larry Thomas’ barbershop looking for a simple shave on Tuesday when the barber told him, “I don’t cut black hair.” Hill says he then asked Thomas what he meant and the barber pulled out a gun. From WFMY News: “I said, ‘Are you referring to African American hair?’ He said, ‘Yeah,’ and at the time I noticed he already had his hand gripped on a .38 snub nose chrome revolver.” Hill says he told Thomas he didn’t want any trouble and left, but he contacted the York County Sheriff’s Office. “I was shocked, I was shocked for my life, because I’m thinking that could’ve been me laying on the floor dead,” he said. “He did not point it at me, but it was clear in sight like he meant business.”

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Boner Candidate #3: WE SAID “EX” GIRLFRIEND. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

At the National Rifle Association’s annual convention in Houston, Texas this weekend, a company that sells shooting targets “designed to help YOU prepare for the upcoming Zombie outbreak” displayed much of what is wrong with the pro-gun movement with its foul “Ex-Girlfriend” target that bleeds when you shoot it. The more you shoot the iconization of the woman you hate (a ‘slut’ with her large breasts bulging out of her tanktop) the more she bleeds and her body, once sexy, becomes mangled.  It is a startling reminder of the normalization of violence against women in America, and the latest in delegitimization of the pro-gun lobby’s claims that firearms are an equalizer for women. Zombie Industries (which also sold a life-sized target with an uncanny resemblance to President Obama, but pulled it from the convention following controversy) sells 15 different zombie targets, but only one — the ex-girlfriend — is female.


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