Boners

Boner Preview Candidates April 12, 2016

Boner Preview Candidate #1: OH, THAT BOOK WASN’T APPROPRIATE?

Unlike her husband, Gov. Rick Scott, Florida’s first lady, Ann Scott, has mostly avoided controversy and the headlines. Unfortunately, an embarrassing mixup led the low-key first lady to read a passage from a book to fifth-graders that described Miami’s Biscayne Boulevard in the ’60s, complete with descriptions of prostitutes, porno theaters, and drug addicts. Whoops. Ann Scott showed up at a school in Hillsborough County yesterday to celebrate the students’ literary achievements.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: THE FUN MOM

While Andrew Frye lay dying on the floor of a Super 8 motel room in Akron, Ohio, last week, a party raged around him. The alleged attendees – themselves high from a mixture of heroin and fentanyl – weren’t other teenagers but the 16-year-old’s mother and grandmother, police say. Prosecutors say the very people who should have protected the teenager from the dangers of drug use were the ones who walked him to a ledge and “enabled” him to jump.“We have evidence of drug abuse by more than one person, more than one relative of the deceased,” Summit County Sheriff Steve Barry told the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: BILL O’REILLY ON THOSE TATTOOED BLACK VOTERS

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly wants to know how Donald Trump plans to appeal to “ill-educated” black voters with forehead tattoos. Speaking on “The O’Reilly Factor“ on Monday night, O’Reilly noted that Trump wasn’t doing well with minority voters — a notion backed by polls, but one the GOP frontrunner disputed. Trump claimed he would “do fantastic with African-Americans and with Hispanics” by promising to bring jobs back to the U.S.“China has the jobs. Mexico has the jobs. Japan has the jobs. Everybody has the jobs — we don’t have the jobs,” Trump said.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: IVANKA AND ERIC WILL NOT VOTE FOR DAD

Rochester, New York • Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s children may be among his most loyal cheerleaders. But only one of his three oldest children will be able to vote for him in Republican primary in New York on April 19. New York City voter registration records show neither Ivanka Trump nor her brother Eric Trump registered with the Republican Party in time to cast their ballots for their father under the state’s arcane voting rules.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: STACK EM DEEP AND BURY EM CHEAP

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: THE NEW IDIOT ASS TEACHING TECHNIQUE

According to NBC News, the teacher has been identified as Mary Hastings, a teacher at Ozen High School in Beaumont. The video shows what appears to be Hastings slapping a student on the head multiple times, after which she calls him an “idiot ass”. Hastings was arrested and charged with assault. She has been released on bail at this time. Ozen High School has placed Hastings on administrative leave.

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