Boner of the Day

Boner Preview Candidates for October 5, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: OUR CHILDREN ARE IN GOOD HANDS

An elementary school employee in Georgia was fired this week after it was revealed that she allegedly posted racist messages on Facebook. Jane Wood Allen, who served as a teacher’s aide at the Chestatee Elementary School in Gainesville, allegedly called First Lady Michelle Obama a “gorilla” in an August Facebook post.

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Boner Candidate #2:  HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A RAPIST AFTER I RAPED YOU

For four years, Yee Xiong fought to put it all behind her. The sexual assault. The questions about what role she may have played in it. Two hung juries and, finally, a plea deal that sent her attacker to jail. Just when Xiong thought it was over, it seemed like it was starting again.

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Boner Candidate #3: HEY, DON’T COME TO THE PARADE IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT

When Frank Linkmeyer unveils his Aurora Farmers Fair parade float each year, his creation is never short on shock value. This year, amid a controversy-filled presidential contest, Linkmeyer didn’t disappoint. He opted for a morbid execution scene showing Hillary Clinton strapped into an electric chair, flanked by the Grim Reaper, a pastor and a familiar-looking executioner: Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The float he entered in the Indiana parade included Trump-Pence campaign signs and phrases including “Benghazi” and “Liar liar pants on fire.” There was also this: At the front of the float sat a miniature Easter Island head, spray-painted black and labeled “Obama.”

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Boner Candidate #4: THE CHILDREN ARE EATING TREES

The Weather Channel is apologizing after being bombarded with waves of criticism. The source of the understandable ire happens to be a meteorologist who was covering Hurricane Matthew’s then-pending destruction in the Caribbean. She somehow attributed Haiti’s deforestation to the island nation’s “hungry” children. On Monday, TWC’s Jennifer Delgado said Hurricane Matthew’s impact on Haiti could potentially be more severe than neighbor Dominican Republic because of Haiti’s big deforestation issue. “They take all the trees down, then burn the trees. Even the kids there, they’re so hungry, they actually eat the trees,” Delgado erroneously claimed.

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Boner Candidate #5: VOTE REPUBLICAN….WE CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE

“It ain’t over til’ it’s over,” as Yogi Berra famously said — unless you’re the Republican National Committee, which declared Mike Pence the winner of the vice presidential debate with Tim Kaine before it began. “Americans from all across the country tuned in to watch the one and only Vice Presidential debate. During the debate we helped fact check and monitor the conversation in real time @GOP. The consensus was clear after the dust settled, Mike Pence was the clear winner of the debate,” the party gushed in a blog post on its website before 7: 30 p.m. The debate didn’t start until 9 p.m.

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Boner Candidate #6: I GRIEVE BY STEALING

Police say a woman stole the wallet of a New Jersey medic just a short time after her boyfriend had been struck by a car and killed. The incident happened on Sunday in Harrison Township, Gloucester County. According to police, 25-year-old Brittany Carulli had been allowed to sit in the ambulance “in order to grieve the loss of her boyfriend and stay out of the inclement weather.” The medic contacted police later in the day after realizing her wallet was missing from her purse, which was located in the center console of the ambulance she was working in.

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