Boner of the Day

Boner Preview Candidates March 3, 2016

Boner Preview Candidate #1: CITIZEN’S ARREST AT LIVING DOLLS STRIP CLUB

A retired Massachusetts lawyer vowed to make a citizen’s arrest Wednesday against a Key West stripper when she would not have sex with him or return money he paid her, according to police. A patrolman warned John L. Ciardi, 62, that if he went inside the Living Dolls strip club on Fleming Street to confront the woman, he would be the one arrested. Cialdi could not be reached for comment. Ciardi, from Peabody, Mass., told police officers that he paid Living Dolls employee Marianny Benitez $300 for “services,” and Benitez would not do what he wanted her to do. She also would not give him his money back, Ciardi told the patrolman.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: HEY WAIT! WHERE’S THE BABY?

According to Chinese news outlet Sina Online, the potentially disastrous incident unfolded in Jiangsu province’s Wujiang district on Saturday. The boy’s grandfather was driving the van when the “restless” child reportedly began scrambling around the vehicle before finally climbing into the trunk. The van’s rear door had malfunctioned since early February when the vehicle was rear-ended in an accident, Sina Online reported. That’s why it popped open when the van began moving, causing the boy to fall out.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: REALLY GOOD FOR WOMEN

While Chris Christie looked on in abject terror, Donald Trump made typically nonsensical claims during his victory speech last night. One of them was, “I’m going to be really good for women.” After being questioned about his previous (sort of) supportive statements about Planned Parenthood, Trump said, “Look, Planned Parenthood has done very good work for many, many, for millions of women, and I’ll say it. And I know a lot of the so-called conservatives, they say that’s really…because I’m a conservative, but I’m a common sense conservative. But millions of women have been helped by Planned Parenthood.”

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN

The newly elected chair of the Republican Party in the county that includes the Texas Capitol spent most of election night tweeting about former Gov. Rick Perry’s sexual orientation and former President Bill Clinton’s penis, and insisting that members of the Bush family should be in jail. He also found time to call Hillary Clinton an “angry bull dyke” and accuse his county vice chair of betraying the values of the Republican Party.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: A GREAT AMERICAN?

More than 500 years later, Christopher Columbus still defeated the indigenous Americans — at least in the Utah Legislature. The Senate on Tuesday voted 15­10 to kill a proposal to rename Columbus Day as Indigenous Peoples Day, making it a state holiday to honor the original Americans. “It is meant as no disrespect to any holiday or any person, but our history did not start with Pioneer Days and the celebration we have then,” said Sen. Jim Dabakis, D­Salt Lake City, the sponsor of SB170.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: RED BULL HIGH RISK SEX

A Vermont college has banned the sale of energy drinks on campus because it said the drinks may lead to “problematic behavior” like “high-risk sexual activity” and alcohol abuse. Middlebury College, in Middlebury, Vermont, also said the beverages may affect students’ academic performance and lead to a culture of stress, Fox 2 Detroit reported. The Middlebury Campus, the college’s student newspaper, reported that the ban will take effect March 7. It applies to popular energy drinks like Red Bull, Rockstar and 5-Hour Energy.

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