Boners

Boner Candidates for April 18 2016

Boner Candidate #1: SARAH PALIN VS. BILL NYE

Climate-change denier and Trump surrogate Sarah Palin, promoting her new film, Climate Hustle, inexplicably challenged just how much of a Science Guy Bill Nye really is: “Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am,”she said during a Congressional event Thursday. “He’s a kids’ show actor. He’s not a scientist.” Palin lumped Nye in with those she perceives as spreading untruths about the environment: “There is a predetermined agenda definitely of those who I think are controlling the narrative right now on changes in the weather.” “There is definitely a political agenda behind all of this and as you suggested people who are involved in this issue they are not stupid. They have studied this stuff. They have studied the data that they are erroneously delivering to the public to make us think that we can somehow change the weather and how they do that is to grow government and allow the government to have more control over us, our homes, our businesses, our families, our lives, and it’s quite unfortunate because these people must be purposely doing this, right? Because they are smart enough to know better,” the former vice-presidential candidate said.

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Boner Candidate #2: IF I GET THE JOB I CAN HIRE A BABY SITTER

A woman and her friend are facing charges after they left her infant in a hot car outside a strip club where she was auditioning. WSB-TV reports 24-year-old Kelsey McMurtry was auditioning at club in downtown Nashville Thursday while her daughter sat in a locked car with the windows up. A passerby saw her and called police. According to a warrant, it was 72 degrees outside when officers arrived and temperatures inside the car had reached 100 degrees. Witnesses estimated the baby was in the car 30 minutes. She was treated at a hospital and placed with children’s services.

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Boner Candidate #3: IT WAS A MISTAKE

In yet another one of those hypocritical “do as I say, not as I do”moments, Georgia state lawmaker Republican Tom Taylor was charged with a DUI in Rabun County, GA, blowing a whopping .225 on the breathalyzer test. If being totally soused behind the wheel weren’t bad enough, the Dunwoody Republican was driving 72mph in a 45mph zone, with four children in the car and a Glock strapped to his hip. Taylor was stopped at 2:45 p.m. on April 7 in his SUV, according to the police report. Officer Michael Bennett reported that Taylor exited his vehicle. The officer said in his report that Taylor’s face “was very red and eyes were bloodshot” and had “an overwhelming odor of alcohol.” After Taylor gave permission to search his car, officers found an empty water bottle “which smelled of alcoholic beverage,” according to the police report. Refusing to comply with instructions for a field sobriety test, he was arrested and charged with DUI, possession of an open container of alcohol and speeding, the report said. Of course, Taylor denied having anything to drink, forgetting that his eventual breathalyzer analysis would speak volumes (of alcohol, that is). At .225, he had consumed nearly three times the legal limit of .08. Later the state legislator says he profoundly regret this serious mistake.

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