ROUND ONE
BONER CANDIDATE #1: HOT POCKET SHRAPNEL
Casper police have arrested a man for domestic battery after he reportedly hit a woman with a hot pocket, burning her. Levi Lucero, 29, was booked into jail on a recommended charge of domestic battery. He will likely make his initial appearance in Natrona County Circuit Court at 2 p.m. Monday. According to an affidavit of probable cause, Casper police officers responded to an apartment in the 200 Block of East H Street at roughly 2 a.m. Sunday for a report of an assault. A woman had called police and said that Lucero had thrown a Hot Pocket at her friend, and the victim’s face was “blistering and falling off.” When officers arrived, the victim was being placed into the back of an ambulance. Burns were evident on the left side of her neck and left ear. What police described as “Hot Pocket shrapnel” was “all over her neck and shirt.” The victim identified Lucero as the assailant. She said they had been together for six years. Lucero was contacted at a home in the 1200 Block of North Center Street. He told police that he and the victim had gotten into an argument, but nothing else happened. When asked about the burns on the victim, Lucero reportedly said, “I did not mean to burn her.” He claimed that he had been eating a Hot Pocket when the victim punched him in the nose, and he then threw the Hot Pocket at her.
BONER CANDIDATE #2: A BOTTLE OF GIN SHOULD DO IT.
A Delta passenger is outraged after he unknowingly sat in feces left behind by a service dog from the previous flight. Matthew Meehan was aboard a plane flying from Atlanta to Miami on Nov. 1 when he noticed his legs, pants and shoes covered in doggy doo doo. “This is a HEALTH CODE VIOLATION!” he wrote in a Facebook post. Meehan says he notified flight crew members but he was not given the proper resources to clean up the mess. Instead, he says he was handed two paper towels and a bottle of gin to clean himself while a staff member wiped the area with paper towels. Meehan argues that the area should have been sanitized correctly, saying that feces carry an array of diseases that could cause health problems. Crew members did not take any further action and Meehan was given an ultimatum to remain on the flight or to stay behind. “You care more about pushing back from the gate than the safety and health of your passengers,” he said. “The safety and health of our customers and employees is our top priority, and we are conducting a full investigation while following up with the right teams to prevent this from happening again,” a spokesperson said in a statement obtained by USA Today. Delta has issued Meehan a full refund along with other compensation. Upon arrival in Miami the plane was taken for sanitation.
BONER CANDIDATE #3: DON’T THE CROCS PROTECT YOU?
A Florida man was injured Tuesday after he broke into the St. Augustine Alligator Farm Zoological Park and jumped into a pond full of crocodiles, according to staff members. Surveillance video shows the man jumping into the crocodile pit. John Bruggen, the park’s director, told WJAX-TV that workers were getting the exhibit ready for opening Tuesday morning when they found evidence of a break-in. Several lamps and signs were broken, and a statue in the middle of the crocodile ponds, which can only be reached by swimming, was toppled. Bruggen said employees found a pair of shorts and a Crocs brand rubber shoe floating in a pool and thought it might be a prank. Staff members said they called police after finding blood. Bruggen said a lot of blood was found at the top of the zip line platform that sits over the crocodiles. When police got to the park, employees told officers about the blood. An officer reportedly responded, “Oh, I think we’ve already got the perpetrator in custody. We got somebody who told us they were bitten by an alligator.”
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ROUND TWO
BONER CANDIDATE #1: SOMEONE NEEDS TO RESTORE SANITY TO THE MISS BUMBUM CONTEST
This year’s Miss BumBum competition ended in a shambles after contestants resorted to violence on stage following cheating allegations. The fight was sparked by one contestant accusing the other of having a surgically enhanced derriere. The eye-popping scenes unfolded Monday shortly after Ellen Santana was crowned Miss BumBum 2018. The 31-year-old model and dancer was representing the northern Brazilian state of Rondônia in the competition. But moments after she was declared the winner, she was physically stripped of her winner’s sash by fellow contestant Aline Uva from Rio Grande Do Sul, in the south of Brazil. Uva, a 27-year-old massage therapist, was heard shouting that the competition was a farce and claiming that the winner’s butt was surgically enhanced. She added: “I fulfilled all the rules of the game, my butt is real, but her butt is plastic!” “Miss BumBum is a farce. Today I could prove all this.” Organizers of the annual competition were forced to intervene to calm the frantic scene and ensure the winner’s sash was handed back to Santana.
BONER CANDIDATE #2: YER GONNA HAVE TO SHOW US THE GOODS
Valerie Jackson claims in a new lawsuit that she was subjected to humiliation and emotional pain after Dallas County officials refused to house her with the women on three separate occasions in less than two years. A transgender Texas woman was forced to drop her pants and show sheriff’s office employees her genitals before they decided to place her with male inmates, despite her pleas to be housed with women, a federal lawsuit charges. Valerie Jackson says she was subjected to humiliation and emotional pain after Dallas County officials refused to house her with the women on three separate occasions in less than two years. Jackson, 32, who legally changed her gender to female, was first arrested in November 2016 for having a gun in her bag at a Dallas airport. She claims the officers gave her a hard time after she explained that she didn’t have a menstrual cycle because she is transgender. “Did you have a sex change or something?” an unidentified officer asked her at the time, according to the suit. When she replied that she had, the officials ordered her to show her genitals in order for them to decide where to house her, which she says she repeatedly declined to do. “We need to know if you’ve had a sex change or not. We need to see if you have a penis or a vagina. We have to protect you,” an officer allegedly said. “We can’t put you with men if you have a vagina.”
BONER CANDIDATE #3: PERHAPS IT’S A JOKE BUT ITS ALSO A FELONY.
One Gizmodo staffer described the above eBay auction for the seller’s vote in the 2020 presidential election as “the ultimate American thing to do.” Which is true: Grifts, scams, and all manner of get-rich-quick schemes may be one of our country’s most hallowed past-times, but selling your vote is also another thing: a big, sloppy felony.
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