Summer has officially been taken out back and killed, because college is back in session for many of us in the valley. I consider myself to be an old pro at this college song and dance, but for many of you young kids out there, this will be your first time. Don’t worry, it gets easier. I have compiled a handy dandy list to help make the transition from high school to college a little bit easier for you. Trust me. I have watched my fair share of movies that chronicle the beginnings and endings of higher institution life, and have compiled a list of all the unreasonable expectations that films have lead me to believe about college life. “What’s that?” you ask. “You mean a movie would just outright LIE to me?”
That’s right, Everything you know is wrong. Welcome to the real world, nerd.
1)College takes a reasonable amount of time to complete
Did you know that if you don’t study at all, take 2 classes a semester (one of them being a philosophy course) and drink 4-5 days a week, you WON’T graduate in 4 years? Incredible. Anyways, this only happens part of the time because I’m totally graduating school on time with my sanity in tact.
2) You don’t actually need a high paying job in order to support yourself while going to school
Let’s face it. No one really NEEDS college in order to land a great job. Working 2 hours a week in a record store will give you enough money to not only rent out a cool apartment in the middle of a large metropolis area, but you will also have enough money left over to eat out everyday and have a huge wardrobe. Jobs such as these are usually acquired after a grueling job interview where your boss (who has a tough exterior but a heart of gold) asks you “Do you know how to read?” or “Can you do better than THIS clown?” while pointing to the guy who is in the process of getting fired. That’s it. That’s all it takes. You can also show up to this cool guy job whenever you want and leave at your leisure.
3) Huge House parties happen all the time without any real collateral damage
You will get invited to one first week of school and it’s not going to be weird AT ALL. These parties involve ritualistic chanting and drinking ungodly amounts of beer without succumbing to alcohol poisoning. The best parties are going to involve togas in some way, so you better make sure the sheet your mom bought you is clean! Bring your guitar for extra cool points. Actually being able to play is totally optional.
4) You WILL meet the love of your life on your first day of school.
They will be your partner in a lab situation and you will have excellent chemistry. Your first date will consist of you easily breaking into a building to stargaze on the roof. There will be a time where you see your significant other WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO ISN’T YOU! A perfectly reasonable explanation is not needed because you’ll just assume the worst anyways. They will concoct an elaborate gesture in order to win back your heart (which will absolutely work). Apologies will be accepted when you kiss in the rain after they confess their undying love to you, and life will continue to be perfect and wonderful.
5) Everyone you see on campus will be exceptionally beautiful
Even those nerd you see lurking around in the darkest corner of the dorm have model like tendencies. All the 18 year olds will really be in their late 20’s (which helps when they need to buy alcohol for the raging toga party being thrown this weekend, bro). If you think you are ugly, fret not you are now a swan. Walk forth in slow motion and watch the jaws drop. Go forth and multiply, you beautiful thing.
6) You will immediately make an enemy on the first day of school due to a set of totally random (and hilarious) consequences.
This person will start off being your roommate in the dorms and they will take the bed that you wanted! Or they are polar opposite of you. Or more commonly, you both have a crush ON THE SAME PERSON. While the days progress you two will come to a reasonable conclusion that your differences are to be embraced, and they will become the ying to your yang. Also, that Casanova love interest will actually be a total square and you both realize you are better off without him. (In this case he ends up dropping out of college and/or becoming your assistant in your high paying job.
7) You can study the night before a huge final worth 100% of your grade despite not going to class at all and still get an A
Alternatively, writing a ten page paper in 20 minutes will land you an A and the highest respect from your professor who has never read a finer paper in his 35 years of teaching at this institution. Studying is really easy, and can be completed in a musical montage. Most of the time all the studying you will need will actually happen as your real life progresses. That meaningful quote you heard from the wise bar tender will be the essay prompt on your final. The science fact you heard by chance while channel surfing will be the basis for your biology final. All you really need to do to pass anything is to believe in yourself. The rest comes easy.
8) Everything will be wrapped up in a handy dandy epilogue
Your first year of school will take no longer than 90 minutes to be completed, but do you ever wonder where you and your acquaintances will be in the future after graduation? Chances are you and your friends will have a wonderful life where you land a successful high paying job immediately after graduating. Your weird quirky friend will have an equally weird and quirky job/dropped off the face of the planet, and your mortal enemy #2 (who isn’t your best friend at the end of your 90 minute freshman year) will be penniless and broke and be living in their parents basement. Alone. With no friends at all.
In all, remember to keep your heads in the books and don’t stress out too much about the smaller things. Also, remember to get a slot on your college radio show because this is where all the coolest of the cool kids hang out.