Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for February 1st, 2018

  ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: THESE SCOUNDRELS HAVE NO SCRUPLES AT ALL

The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention resigned on Wednesday, in the middle of the nation’s worst flu epidemic in nearly a decade, because of her troubling financial investments in tobacco and health care companies that posed potential conflicts of interest. Alex Azar, the newly appointed secretary of Health and Human Services, announced the resignation of the director, Dr. Brenda Fitzgerald. An agency statement cited her “complex financial interests that have imposed a broad recusal limiting her ability to complete all her duties as the C.D.C. director.” The statement continued: “Due to the nature of these financial interests, Dr. Fitzgerald could not divest from them in a definitive time period. After advising Secretary Azar of both the status of the financial interests and the scope of her recusal, Dr. Fitzgerald tendered, and the secretary accepted, her resignation.”

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Boner Candidate #2: WHAT’S THE POINT. I’M GOING TO JAIL ANYWAYS.

A Thibodaux man who was pulled over for driving the wrong way on a one way street was hospitalized after officers determined his blood alcohol level was at a potentially lethal level. Thirty-six-year-old Todd Patton registered a BAC of .419 percent at the time of his arrest, according to the Thibodaux Police Department. The DWI threshold in Louisiana is .08 percent. Patton was spotted driving his white Toyota Rav4 the wrong way up West 2nd Street just before 10 p.m. on January 26, according to the TPD. With officers following, Patton appeared to pull over twice, but pulled away before stopping each time.He eventually pulled into a parking lot in front of City Hall. Patton performed poorly on a field sobriety test, gave up halfway and told officers he “was going to jail anyways,” according to the TPD.

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Boner Candidate #3: LOOK AT HIM. WOULDN’T YOU BREAK THE LAW TO KEEP THAT?

A suburban mom and former teacher was sent to the slammer for dealing drugs to please her younger, bodybuilding “trophy” husband, with whom she became “obsessed,” according to a report. Florida resident Nicole Benjoino, 48, wept quietly in Fort Lauderdale federal court Tuesday as she was sentenced to 2½ years in jail for helping her beau import and sell drugs, including party pills GBL and anti-anxiety med Xanax, the Sun Sentinel reported. The former Palm Beach County special education teacher pleaded guilty last year to possessing illegal drugs with intent to distribute, after admitting that she and husband Emerson Benjoino ran a drug-dealing business from their home.

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     ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: YOU HAVE HURT PRINCIPLE WALTERS FEELINGS

A Tennessee high school student’s anti-bullying video has resulted in nearly 600,000 views on YouTube and a suspension for its creator. Lebanon High School student Emily Gipson said school administrators accused her of “trying to incite violence” and gave her a two-day in-school suspension for the video entitled “Welcome to Lebanon High School,” posted Jan. 22. In the video, prompted by a classmate’s October suicide, she asks students to treat each other better. It’s a broad indictment of campus culture, but contains neither profanity nor calls for direct action. “Welcome to Lebanon High School, where smiles are fake and suicide prevention is something to laugh at,” she said in the video, criticizing her peers’ reaction to the Stop It app the Wilson County school had put out in response to the death.

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Boner Candidate #2: NOBODY WANTS TO GO TO EUCLID.

Shocking video shows that a Cleveland man who was shot 16 times was left begging for help after nearby ambulances refused to assist him, according to a report. Ronald Newberry, 22, was shot as he was pulling out of his driveway on Jan. 14, CNN reported. He drove about a quarter-mile before stopping, apparently leaving Cleveland city limits and inadvertently crossing into nearby Euclid. Police bodycams show officers desperately trying to help Newberry. They appear to call for help as they perform CPR on the wounded man, but the location of the shooting apparently caused a huge problem. All of Euclid’s ambulances were on other calls at the time, according to CNN. Despite Newberry being a Cleveland resident, EMS reportedly refused to cross city limits to tend to the wounded man. One of the Cleveland officers can be heard talking to a Euclid dispatcher.

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Boner Candidate #3: JUST A BIT OF IMPROMPTU DISCIPLINE

A San Francisco elementary school teacher was arrested following reports that he dangled a student over a second-floor balcony, authorities said. Andres Tobar, 47, turned himself in Tuesday morning and was booked on felony charges of child endangerment, SF Gate reported. The Marshall Elementary School teacher was allegedly seen last month “cradling a student and holding the student over the balcony,” according to school officials. The child was not injured in the Dec. 19 incident. “The school immediately contacted the parent of the involved student and [San Francisco Unified School District] placed Mr. Tobar on paid administrative leave while the district conducted a thorough investigation,” school spokesperson Gentle Blythe told the San Francisco Examiner. A police investigation led the San Francisco District Attorney’s Office to issue a warrant for his arrest.

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