Boners

Boner Candidates for February 10th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: THE LORD HAS COMMANDED ME TO GATHER THE RICHES OF THE EARTH

This accused fraudster really thinks he’s holier than thou. John Michael Haskew claimed he pocketed $7 billion in a bank fraud scheme — because Jesus Christ chose him to be rich, according to published reports. His god awful excuse got an eye roll from Lakeland, FL., authorities, who arrested him on December 16, WFTV9 NEWs reported. “(Haskew stated) that Jesus Christ created wealth for everyone. Using this scheme, Haskew believed that he could obtain the wealth that Jesus Christ created for him and that belonged to him,” according to a criminal complaint.

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Boner Candidate #2: HAVE A HAPPY HITLER VALENTINE’S DAY

The Central Michigan University president says he is “deeply disappointed” about an anti-Semitic Valentine’s Day card that was produced during a campus Republican group meeting, then apparently given to a pair of students by a member of that group, which says it was an unsanctioned mistake. The card was in a bag that was handed to the students Wednesday night by a member of the College Republicans at Central Michigan, which immediately apologized while distancing itself from the incident. The card, which the group called “very inappropriate,” shows Adolf Hitler alongside the words “my love 4 u burns like 6,000 jews,” according to Central Michigan Life, a student newspaper. (An estimated 6 million Jews were killed by the Nazi regime during the Holocaust, according to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum.)

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Boner Candidate #3:  I’LL CALM DOWN WHEN MY TACO IS HOT

Police say a shooting in north Houston began when a woman got a taco that just wasn’t hot enough. Investigators say a man and his girlfriend were at a taco truck on West Dyna near the North Freeway just before 2 a.m. when the shooting happened. The woman reportedly became irate when a taco truck worker denied her request to reheat her taco when she said it was cold. But when her boyfriend told her to calm down, she allegedly pulled out a gun.

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