Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for August 15th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: IT’S A DESIGN FLAW.

Utahns arriving at the airport could soon find that their state-issued driver’s licenses won’t allow them past security. Like a new chapter in Dr. Seuss’ classic tale of “The Sneetches” — a story of creatures who either had stars on their bellies or didn’t — a missing star on Utah driver’s licenses could mean the difference between getting on a plane or being turned away. As Seuss’ story says: “You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.” We want our people to be able to move and to travel as they choose, Sen. Wayne Harper, R-Taylorsville But to the Department of Homeland Security, stars are a big deal. Utah drivers’ licenses are supposed to have them — specifically a little gold star on the top right corner of each one.

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Boner Candidate #2: NEVER ACT AS YOUR OWN ATTORNEY

He had a fool for a client — and it left him totally exposed. An East Village man acted as his own lawyer when he filed a medical-malpractice lawsuit against Manhattan dermatologist Dana Stern, claiming she gave him the wrong treatment for his genital warts. But in the filing, the man included four snapshots of his penis, taken at a professional photography studio, as exhibits — not realizing his privates would no longer be private and were headed into the public record, court documents state. So the 31-year-old turned to his mother — an actual attorney based in Quebec, Canada — and the pair asked the Manhattan judge overseeing his suit to put the images under seal. “When I filed the complaint, I did not understand that the photographs of my genitals, once filed, would be available to the public,” the man sheepishly admitted in an affidavit.

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Boner Candidate #3: MAYBE A LITTLE MORE PATIENCE.

A Georgia police chief said an officer was justified in using a Taser to stun an 87-year-old woman after she didn’t obey commands to drop a knife in her hand. Martha Al-Bishara was charged with criminal trespass and obstructing an officer Friday, when police held her at gunpoint before bringing her to the ground with a jolt from the electrified prongs of a stun gun. Relatives said Al-Bishara doesn’t speak English and was merely out cutting dandelions with a kitchen knife near her home in Chatsworth, about 85 miles north of Atlanta. “An 87-year-old woman with a knife still has the ability to hurt an officer,” Chatsworth Police Chief Josh Etheridge told the Daily Citizen-News of Dalton. “There was no anger, there was no malice in this,” Etheridge said. “In my opinion, it was the lowest use of force we could have used to simply stop that threat at the time.”

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: “I AM NOT A RACIST” CLAIMS RACIST CENTURY CITY WOMAN.

A woman spoke out Tuesday after she was seen on video throwing hot coffee at a Latino contractor during a controversial confrontation at an upscale condominium complex in Century City. The incident took place on Aug. 4 at a building located in the 2300 block of Fox Hills Drive, according to the Los Angeles Police Department. Rhonda Polon said she regrets the entire incident and that her only concern that day was to protect her property. “I’m not a racist,” she said. “None of those things have ever come out of my mouth. I may have a temper at some points, but I am not a racist person.” Polon doesn’t condone her actions in the video that has gone viral on social media and tearfully apologized for throwing coffee in the face of Miguel Sanchez, who arrived with his co-worker at the complex to perform repairs requested by one of the owners.

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Boner Candidate #2: GO ON! GO FOR IT!

Police say they’ve finished an investigation into an incident in which a 16-year-old girl was hurt when she was pushed off a bridge and fell 60 feet into water in Washington state. The Columbian reported Tuesday that the Clark County Sheriff’s Office Major Crimes Unit was forwarding the case to the prosecutor’s office for possible charges. The sheriff’s office identified the suspect as 18-year-old Taylor Smith and said she’s cooperating with investigators. Smith is suspected of pushing Jordan Holgerson off the bridge Aug. 7 at Moulton Falls northeast of Vancouver, Washington.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M GUESSING IT WAS A VIRAL VIDEO ATTEMPT

The Majdanek Concentration Camp in Lublin, two Israeli students have been sent home from a school trip to a Nazi death camp in Poland after they were caught dancing naked at the site, it has emerged. The pair sparked outrage after security guards at Majdanek, where tens of thousands of Jews were murdered during the Holocaust, spotted them on CCTV. According to Israeli newspaper Haaretz, the two students from the northern province of Emek Hamayanot were flown home on Sunday following the incident at the site near Lublin, eastern Poland on Friday. The Israeli Education Ministry told the paper it “views with great severity any behavior that could harm the status and values represented by the trips to Poland.” “In the case in question, due to the students’ improper and inappropriate behavior, disciplinary actions have been taken against them to the fullest.”

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