Boners

Boner Fight for June 15th, 2018

Boner Candidate #1: CRITTER JUST WANTS TO FINISH HIS BREWSKI.

A man who police say rammed a police a car and then refused to get out of his own vehicle as he finished drinking a beer has been charged. Christopher S. Ritter, who is also known by “Critter,” 30, of Salt Lake City, was charged Thursday in 3rd District Court with assault against a police officer, a second-degree felony; failing to respond to an officer’s signal to stop, a third-degree felony; DUI, a third-degree felony; driving without an interlock system in the car, a class B misdemeanor; reckless driving, a class B misdemeanor; and four other misdemeanor crimes. On Saturday, Ritter was spotted by West Valley police going 50 mph in a residential neighborhood, the charges state. Ritter refused to pull over and “ran several stop signs,” according to charging documents. He then “intentionally” drove his vehicle head-on into a West Valley patrol car stopped at 6620 W. 3926 South, according to the charges.

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Boner Candidate #2: I BELIEVE I’VE BEEN SOLD THE WRONG NARCOTIC.

A man who thought he was having a bad reaction to methamphetamine asked deputies in Florida to test the drug, saying he wanted to “press charges” against his dealer, authorities said. Douglas Peter Kelly, 49, of Hawthorne, told detectives from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office that he had a “violent reaction” after smoking methamphetamine he purchased a week earlier and wanted investigators to take a look at the product. “The suspect said he believed because of the ‘violent reaction’ he had after smoking the drug, he was sold the wrong narcotic,” department officials posted on Facebook Wednesday. “Kelly told detectives in the drug unit he wanted the substance tested because he wanted to ‘press charges’ on the person who sold him the wrong narcotic.” Detectives obliged Kelly’s request, telling him to come on down to the sheriff’s office. He then drove to the facility and handed investigators a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil that later tested for methamphetamine.

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