Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for June 15th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: COME ON! IT WAS FUNNY!

An employee at a courthouse in Queens sparked a brief scare on Thursday afternoon after authorities said he brought a gag grenade into the building, authorities said. The NYPD says its bomb squad was called to the courthouse in Kew Gardens after a 22-year-old brought the faux device through security. Authorities said the man may have been an intern pulling a prank. No injuries were reported, and the man is being questioned by police. No charges have been filed in the case.

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Boner Candidate #2: THERE AREN’T ENOUGH WHITE KIDS.

David Stringer, a Republican member of the state House, spurred criticism for his “overtly racist comments.” An Arizona state lawmaker faces backlash after claiming immigration represents an “existential threat” to the United States, in part because “there aren’t enough white kids.” Rep. David Stringer, a Republican from Prescott, railed against the changing demographics in his state on Monday at a Yavapai County Republican Men’s Forum event. “Sixty percent of public school children in the state of Arizona today are minorities,” Stringer told the crowd. “That complicates racial integration because there aren’t enough white kids to go around.” Calling immigration “politically destabilizing,” Stringer lamented that minority students will grow up to “change the demographic voting base of this state.”

Boner Candidate #3: CRITTER JUST WANTS TO FINISH HIS BREWSKI.

A man who police say rammed a police a car and then refused to get out of his own vehicle as he finished drinking a beer has been charged. Christopher S. Ritter, who is also known by “Critter,” 30, of Salt Lake City, was charged Thursday in 3rd District Court with assault against a police officer, a second-degree felony; failing to respond to an officer’s signal to stop, a third-degree felony; DUI, a third-degree felony; driving without an interlock system in the car, a class B misdemeanor; reckless driving, a class B misdemeanor; and four other misdemeanor crimes. On Saturday, Ritter was spotted by West Valley police going 50 mph in a residential neighborhood, the charges state. Ritter refused to pull over and “ran several stop signs,” according to charging documents. He then “intentionally” drove his vehicle head-on into a West Valley patrol car stopped at 6620 W. 3926 South, according to the charges.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I’LL MEET YOU IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER SCHOOL.

A mother has been charged by police after she reportedly rammed her car into the vehicle of another mother while both women had children in the car. Pearson Marya (Photo provided by Newport News officials) Around 7 a.m. Tuesday, Newport News Police went to the parking lot of Warwick Kids’ Academy for a 911 call. A 33-year-old Newport News woman said she was supposed to meet another parent in the parking lot to discuss an incident involving their children who attend the same daycare.According to the police report, the victim said she met with 29-year-old Marya Pearson, who attempted to enter the rear passenger side of her vehicle. It was locked, so the victim said Pearson ripped off her rear windshield wiper and started using it to scratch the victim’s vehicle.

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Boner Candidate #2: I BELIEVE I’VE BEEN SOLD THE WRONG NARCOTIC.

A man who thought he was having a bad reaction to methamphetamine asked deputies in Florida to test the drug, saying he wanted to “press charges” against his dealer, authorities said. Douglas Peter Kelly, 49, of Hawthorne, told detectives from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office that he had a “violent reaction” after smoking methamphetamine he purchased a week earlier and wanted investigators to take a look at the product. “The suspect said he believed because of the ‘violent reaction’ he had after smoking the drug, he was sold the wrong narcotic,” department officials posted on Facebook Wednesday. “Kelly told detectives in the drug unit he wanted the substance tested because he wanted to ‘press charges’ on the person who sold him the wrong narcotic.” Detectives obliged Kelly’s request, telling him to come on down to the sheriff’s office. He then drove to the facility and handed investigators a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil that later tested for methamphetamine.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU SAY “MADCAP STUNT” I SAY “DUMBASS”

A Colorado businessman running for Congress agreed to be pepper sprayed in the eyes — to prove to voters that Mace can stop a school shooter. Levi Tillemann, one of two Democrats vying for the chance to unseat GOP Rep. Mike Coffman, took it in the face in a roughly two-minute campaign ad titled “This Will Save Lives” — in which he advocated for arming teachers with pepper spray instead of guns. “I’m calling on Congress to stop talking past each other and try something new,” Tillemann says in the ad. “Empower schools and teachers with non-lethal self-defense tools like this can of pepper spray.” Pepper spray is less costly, can be safely stored and “won’t accidentally kill a kid,” according to Tillemann, a managing partner at tech firm Valence Strategic.

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