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Boner of the Day for April 9th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: IMPROVEMENTS ARE NEEDED

DRAPER, Utah — The Village at Draper Hills homeowner’s association is asking all of its residents to pay a $25,000 construction fee this month despite Governor Gary Herbert’s implementation of eviction freezes and rent deferrals for people across Utah who are struggling to pay their bills during the COVID-19 pandemic. The HOA board said the money will go towards fixing problems with many of the 75 townhomes in the Draper community that are susceptible to water damage. The repairs would total approximately $2 million. Gary Giancola, the acting president of the HOA board, said he believes the project cannot be postponed or else the repairs from potential water damage will be even more expensive. “Unfortunately most of the people in here feel like they’re living in terror because the information that has been communicated is, ‘The sky is falling. Your homes are going to fall down. You’re going to have mold,’” homeowner Janice Tabish said. “I don’t think (the board) is really concerned about us.”

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Boner Candidate #2: YEAH DON, PRETTY COOL.

Based on this previous meme, we already knew Donald Trump Jr. has been watching Tiger King on Netflix. The show, of course, follows Joe Exotic, the gay big cat enthusiast serving a 22-year sentence in a federal prison in Texas. Donald Trump Jr. seems to see him as something of a role model; it’s more than a bit bizarre, and it just gets weirder and weirder. Exotic was found guilty of 17 charges of animal abuse and two counts of murder for hire for attempting to take out his nemesis, Carole Baskin.

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Boner Candidate #3: COVID LITTER BUGS

People are increasingly wearing gloves and masks in public, in order to protect themselves and reduce the spread of COVID-19. Apparently, though, those gloves and masks need to come with proper disposal directions. Everywhere you look in America, it seems, there are discarded gloves and masks in streets and parking lots, left behind by people who couldn’t be bothered to find a nearby trash bin. In Los Angeles, they’re scattered in parking lots of markets like Whole Foods, waiting for some already-exhausted employee to have to pick them up. They’re tossed aside in parking lots in Orlando, Florida, too. In Charlottesville, Virginia, local meteorologist David Reese found multiple pairs of gloves in the parking lot of his local Kroger. In New England, someone abandoned their gloves in a cart at Costco, leaving an employee to fish them out and sanitize the cart before it could be used again. It got so bad in New York City over the weekend, that Ryan McKenzie, a restauranteur who lives in Manhattan, began cleaning it up.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: IT’S LIKE BEING IN JAIL; A REALLY NICE JAIL.

Ellen DeGeneres is facing serious heat after she said in her first show filmed at home that being quarantined is like “being in jail.” This is the first episode DeGeneres has filmed since quarantining for the past three weeks. She started off by applauding those who have continued to work during the coronavirus outbreak, including doctors, hospital workers, truck drivers, and supermarket employees. “If you’re feeling down I want to lift you up, if you’re feeling trapped I want to set you free. If you feel like you’re going in the wrong direction I want you to back that thing up,” DeGeneres said.

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Boner Candidate #2: WRECKED IT GOOD

A millionaire luxury car owner wrecked his $750,000 Porsche Mirage GT supercar while speeding around the deserted streets of Manhattan while allegedly high on drugs. Benjamin Chen, 33, lost control of the ultra-rare super car at 7.30 am on Tuesday and plowed into a parked car. Several stunned New Yorkers looked on as Chen tried to drive the car away despite heavy damage to the body and tires. Eventually police arrived and Chen was arrested and charged with reckless driving and driving under the influence of drugs. Chen is a wealthy luxury car enthusiasts and started the Gold Rush Rally – a luxury rally across America that is known for its accidents – and has filmed himself driving at 246mph in a Bugatti Veyron.

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Boner Candidate #3: UPSIDE THE HEAD

BATTLE CREEK, MI – A Michigan man was allegedly assaulted after he mocked another man who was using thong underwear as a coronavirus mask. The Battle Creek Enquirer reports the bizarre incident occurred in a home on Lakefront Drive in Battle Creek around 7 p.m. on Monday. The 57-year-old victim told the suspect it looked like the thongs laying around the victim’s house, which upset the suspect. A warrant is being sought for the 47-year-old suspect who allegedly returned to the victim’s house 45 minutes after the initial confrontation, struck the victim in the side of the head and kicked him in the ribs, the newspaper reported.

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