Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day (Rounds 1 and 2) February 13th, 2019

Round 1

Boner Candidate #1: REALLY FUNNY UNLESS YOU’RE THE RAT

Stomach-churning video shows a man letting a large rat loose in a New Jersey McDonald’s — and diners not lovin’ it. The 42-second footage posted on Facebook last week by the account Fe Bugout shows a man entering the fast food eatery in downtown Newark carrying an overweight white rat in a clear case, trailed by a young boy. “Let me hold it!” the child begs. But the man has another idea — and soon lets the critter out of the case.

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Boner Candidate #2: ALL HE REALLY WANTED WAS A PEPSI

Matthew Anzaldi, 25, of Merritt Island, was pulled over by an Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputy. According to a Sheriff’s Office report, Anzaldi was driving recklessly, going 80 mph and passing cars on the shoulder of U.S. 1. He said he was “thirsty” and wanted a “Pepsi.” Anzaldi also said he thought someone was chasing him and that he heard “bullets hitting his vehicle.” The deputy noted that Anzaldi showed no signs of being impaired. The twist in the story? Anzaldi had been pulled over and cited for speeding by Melbourne Police less than an hour before.

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Boner Candidate #3: I KNOW I SAID NO DON JR…

Donald Trump Jr. took the stage at his father’s rally in El Paso, Texas, Monday night and told the young conservatives in the crowd they didn’t “have be indoctrinated by these loser teachers that are trying to sell you on socialism from birth.” President Trump’s eldest son has been one of the top campaigners for the president’s reelection bid and warmed up the crowd for him in between chants of “USA!” “I love seeing some young conservatives, because I know it’s not easy,” Trump Jr. told the crowd. “Keep up that fight. Bring it to your schools.” “You don’t have to be indoctrinated by these loser teachers that are trying to sell you on socialism from birth, you don’t have to do it,” he said as the crowd cheered him on.

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Round 2

Boner Candidate #1:AN EMERGENCY CALL FROM THE VILLAGE IDIOT

Officers from Thames Valley Police in Buckinghamshire said the caller dialled 999, saying: “Hi, people are trying to steal my weed off me.” It “isn’t a call that we should be getting to our 101 or 999 phone lines, particularly when reporting the theft of your drugs”, officers said. Dozens replied on Facebook describing the caller as a “village idiot”. One person wrote: “You can’t fix stupid”. Another said it sounded like the caller had been “sampling a fair bit [of the drug] himself”.

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Boner Candidate #2: THERE ARE LESS DRASTIC WAYS TO END A MARRIAGE SIR

A Minnesota man accused of shooting and killing his estranged wife told responding officers he doesn’t have to “worry about a divorce now,” according to police. Matthew Lynn Jansen, 46, was charged Monday with second-degree murder in the slaying of his wife, Mary Jo Jansen, at their Blaine residence, the Twin Cities Pioneer Press reported. Police said the couple was in the process of a divorce and 46-year-old Mary Jo was set to move out Saturday. But the night before the move, Matthew called 911 to report he killed his wife. Officers arrived at the home and discovered the woman’s body on the floor of an upstairs bedroom. She appeared to have suffered two gunshot wounds and was declared dead at the scene, authorities said.

Boner Candidate #3:WELL SURE, BUT IT’S ONLY NEW ZEALAND

Usually when you buy something from Ikea, it’s necessary to assemble all of the parts, but a world map should really come preassembled with all of the countries included. At least that’s the feeling of New Zealanders, who are a bit miffed that a map from the retailer’s “Bjorksta” series left out their island nation altogether. The BBC notes that a Reddit user first pointed out the incomplete map, apparently purchased at a Washington, DC-area Ikea. “What’s the deal #IKEA with forgetting an entire country off the world maps you are selling? #NewZealand exists!!!!” one Twitter user remarked. The BBC and Herald note that this odd omission (and not just via Ikea) seems to be a recurring issue for New Zealand that’s even been addressed by the country’s prime minister, Jacinda Ardern; the sub-Reddit where this particular instance was flagged is called “Maps Without NZ.”

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