Boners

Boner Preview Candidates for November 23, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: I TOLE YOU THERE WAS NO TACO BELL MONEY. I TOLE YOU.

A young man in Tennessee is accused of beating his own mother with a hockey stick because her credit card was declined at Taco Bell. According to Shelby County Sheriff’s Office, a neighbor called authorities after hearing an extremely loud commotion next door. When deputies arrived at the residence in Lakeland, they were shocked to learn that 22-year-old Logan Badgley had just beaten his mother with a hockey stick. According to WMC, Badgley had asked his mother for her debit card to go pick up some food from a nearby Taco Bell.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE ARGUMENTATIVE OLD BAG WAS ROLLING AWAY FROM US

An internal affairs investigation is underway into whether deputies violated any policies during an incident — caught on camera — in which a woman in a wheelchair was shocked with a taser. Sheketha Holman says she has consistently used a wheelchair ever since a lower back injury two years ago. Last Wednesday, she confronted deputies from the Harris County Sheriff’s Office during her daughter’s arrest at a gas station. That confrontation was captured on surveillance camera. Eyewitness News has obtained the video.

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Boner Candidate #3: LOOKIN’ FOR A BAG OF TACOS TO HELP ME SOBER UP

Man pulled up to window with baby in back seat, then slumped over the wheel, police say. South Salt Lake police are searching for an alleged drunken driver who, with his infant child in the back seat, nodded off in a fast food restaurant’s drive-thru lane. South Salt Lake police spokesman Gary Keller said the man had pulled up to the window of a Taco Bell restaurant at 2165 S. State St. about 7:20 p.m. Monday, and then slumped over the wheel. The manager, an employee and a customer — who happened to be a nurse — went outside to check on him. “They saw an infant, 12 to 18 months old, in a child seat in the back of the car,” Keller said Tuesday. “They also smelled alcohol and were concerned he would wake up and take off with the infant.” The trio moved quickly to unstrap the baby from the seat, and just as they cleared the vehicle the driver woke up and drove off without the child.

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Boner Candidate #4: YOU FIRE ME YOU CAN DELIVER YOUR OWN DAMN CORN

A Pennsylvania truck driver was arrested for allegedly dumping nearly 1,000 bushels of corn on a Nebraska road after he was fired via text message. Authorities said Darren Walp, 36, was arrested last week in connection with the early August incident on Highway 8 in rural Gage County. The arrest warrant said Walp had been driving the load of corn in a Peterbilt truck for B & T Livingston Trucking LLC when he received a text message Aug. 4 telling him he had been fired. “Pack your stuff ASAP and you can leave,” the police report quoted the text as reading. Walp, who had been taking the load of corn to Hanover, Kan., then allegedly dumped the entire load of corn, nearly 1,000 bushels, on the westbound lane Highway 8, about half a mile west of Odell.

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Boner Candidate #5: I GOTTA GO FIND ME A STRONGER ROCK OR SUMPTHIN

A Massachusetts store owner shared security camera footage of a bungling would-be thief completely failing to break into the shop. Steven Davis, owner of 2 Debi’s in Brockton, posted security camera footage to Facebook showing the attempted break-in early Sunday morning. The video shows a man pull up to the store in a gray van, get out of the vehicle, and throw a rock at the store’s glass door from only a few feet away. The rock fails to break through the window and lands at the man’s feet. He throws the rock a second time, and this time it bounces off the door and ends up under the man’s van.

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Boner Candidate #6: IT’S A GOOD THING HE’S 93. HE’LL BE GONE SOON.

One of Donald Trump’s electors isn’t backing down from the hateful comments he made six years ago calling for the murder of gays. Dennis Scranton, one of Montana’s three Electoral College voters, made the explosive comments in a 2010 Facebook rant against same-sex marriage.  Scranton wrote: “I think fruits are decorative. Hang up where they can be seen and appreciated. Call Wyoming for display instructions.” His remarks about Wyoming appear to refer to the brutal murder of gay University of Wyoming student Matthew Shepard, who was tied to a fencepost outside Laramie and tortured in 1998. He later died of his injuries.

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