Boners

Boner Preview Candidates June 20th, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: IGGY IS MY SERVICE ANIMAL

Beware the scales of justice. An iguana non grata and its owner were ejected from a Colorado courthouse after an X-ray picked up the lizard lounging inside a bag. Deputies at the Boulder County Justice Center are used to detecting weapons and other contraband at the security checkpoint, but the smuggled reptile was a surprise. The Sheriff’s Office tweeted the skeletal image and a warning: “At the Justice Center only service animals are allowed. No iguanas . . . even if it goes through the X-ray machine.” The animal’s owner was turned away, according to Boulder County sheriff’s spokeswoman Carrie Haverfield.

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Boner Candidate #2: FOOL WAS DIGGIN UP MY YAMS

A man at a suburban West Palm Beach house party told investigators he noticed some yams growing along the fence. Curious how big they were, the 47-year-old started to dig up a few.

Then Jeromey McCook approached him and told him to stop, according to a Palm Beach County sheriff’s report. The pair began to argue. McCook pulled out a gun, hit the man over the head with it and then shot him, according to the sheriff’s office.

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Boner Candidate #3: HELLO NEWMAN!

Most people don’t think twice when mailing a letter. The deal has always been if you put the proper postage on it, the government will deliver it to the address you put on the front. There’s a good chance, though, no one has ever addressed their mail to a Pleasant Grove dumpster. A Pleasant Grove woman got a big surprise last week when she discovered hundreds, if not thousands of pieces of unopened, undelivered mail dumped inside a dumpster in her neighborhood. “Oh, I was totally shocked. When I first looked in, I first saw a package on the top, and underneath a big clack rug was all the mail,” said the woman who asked not to be identified because she said she doesn’t want the man suspected of trashing the mail to know what she saw. That man was a mailman.

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Boner Candidate #4: OH CHACHI, EVEN JOANIE DOESN’T BELIEVE THIS CRAP.

 

80’s sitcom star Scott Baio – and Fox Business’ latest terrorism “expert” – took Donald Trump’s “Obama’s a secret Muslim” dog whistle one step further by announcing outright that President Obama is either a Muslim or “a Muslim sympathizer.” On top of that, Baio “just asked” if Obama’s end game is to “totally eliminate the United States as it was created and founded and the way it is now.”

Baio joins “Joe The Plumber” as a voice of terror-fighting authority on the “business” network. Like Joe, Baio’s only credential seems to be his endorsement of Trump.

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Boner Candidate #5: REALLY? AN UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT? REALLY?

The parents of a 12-year-old Texas girl, who sustained a severe rope burn on her neck during an overnight school field trip to Germer Ranch in Blanco County, Texas, filed a lawsuit Monday against Live Oak Classical School.

Sandy Rougely and Kevin Parker are seeking $3 million in damages — to cover the cost of medical expenses, physical pain, mental anguish, disfigurement, impairment, loss of use and enjoyment of life of their daughter, who is being referred to as K.P.. They are suing for such a large amount “to not only compensate the victims in this case, but to deter this type of egregious conduct from others in the future, and to serve as an example to all educational institutions that this type of behavior is unacceptable,” the lawsuit says.

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Boner Candidate #6: A PERFECT 10 IN SEXISM

British gymnast Louis Smith gave a sterling demonstration this week of how not to treat women, and how not to respond when people call you out for your treatment of women.

Smith has won some medals at the Olympics, but that’s not actually relevant to this story. Olympian or no, he’s still a creep. A creep who posted, on Snapchat, a photo of American gymnast Carly Patterson — a close-up of her butt — with the caption, “my sport has its moments.”

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