Boners

Boner Preview for December 21, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: OH CHEWIE!

A former employee of a Florida vending machine company dressed up in a Chewbacca costume and stole money from a pair of kiosks he previously maintained, according to cops who arrested the “Star Wars” devotee for grand theft.According to investigators, Darren Pickrem, 56, took a total of $623 from a pair of vending machines operated by Florida Fresh Vending. The heist occurred late last Sunday at an office in Largo and was captured by a security camera.

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Boner Candidate #2: WE CATCH THE DREAMS…THEN DESTROY THEM!

U.S. Customs and Border Protection announced officers in New Mexico found 1.6 pounds of liquid meth hidden inside Native American-style dreamcatchers.The agency said officers with the Office of Field Operations in Columbus said a 2000 Dodge Neon bearing a woman and two young girls entered the country from Mexico about 2 p.m. Sunday and a drug-sniffing dog at the port indicated something was amiss about six dreamcatchers, woven objects created by some Native American tribes that are purported to bring the owner good dreams.Officers discovered the dreamcatchers’ rings were made of rubber tubing that contained a liquid substance that tested positive for methamphetamine. “This is one of the most unusual smuggling episodes we have ever encountered,” CBP Columbus Port Director Robert Reza said. “Smugglers will try to conceal their drug loads in everyday items like soft drink cans, framed artwork and other seemingly innocent items. CBP utilizes numerous inspection techniques that help identify and stop these shipments. “The 25-year-old woman, a resident of Nuevo Casas Grandes, Chihuahua, Mexico, was arrested and is expected to face drug smuggling charges. The girls, ages 1 and 8, were turned over to the custody of a relative.

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Boner Candidate #3: KENNY AND LENNY THE SOAP STEALING TWINS

A pair of twins were “serendipitously” thwarted by a well-placed trash can and shopping cart in their attempt to steal nearly 200 bars of soap. Absecon Police shared surveillance footage showing New Jersey twins Kenny and Lenny as they attempted to steal 30 6-packs of Dove soap from a local Shoprite store. “The dubious duo attempted their getaway with store employees hot on their trail,” police said. “Kenny and Lenny escaped out the exit but were introduced to the cold, frosty ground by a strategically placed trash can. Those sometimes jump out of nowhere.” The twins quickly sprung off the ground after their encounter with the garbage can and looked to continue their pursuit before falling victim to another obstacle in the form of a shopping cart. “The cart, not wanting to be outdone by the can, re-introduced both Kenny and Lenny to the hard-packed pavement. Alleged stealing can be hard like pavement,” police said. Despite the early embarrassments, Kenny and Lenny continued their getaway before encountering Absecon Police Ptl. Cavileer who was responding to a car accident in the area. “Cavileer is a decent multi-tasker so the idea of handling the accident and the shoplifters running square into his accident scene did not faze him,” police said. “Both alleged offenders were quickly corralled and collared.” The twins were charged with shoplifting and resisting arrest, as police sought additional information.

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Boner Candidate #4: THE SNAP-HAPPY A.G.

Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes has made his war against the exploitation of children a centerpiece of his political profile, but his zeal to be at a child-pornography bust may have tainted that investigation and helped the suspect go free. The problem began when Reyes was seen taking pictures of the crime scene with his cellphone, although the attorney general insisted he had no photographs from inside the home, only outside. Still, investigators at the scene reported that they saw him snapping photos in the basement. That concerned prosecutors in the attorney general’s office enough that they declined to go forward with the case. They feared defense lawyers could argue at trial they didn’t get all the discoverable evidence. The incident occurred after the multiagency Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force started investigating a West Valley City man suspected of downloading material from child-porn sites in September 2014.

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Boner Candidate #5: IT’S A SIMPLE CASE OF CHILD NEGLECT.

Police say a woman stole baby Jesus from a Nativity scene in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and dropped the figurine off at a hospital with a note explaining that the baby had been “neglected” by his parents, “Joseph and Mary Christ.” Police say 49-year-old Jacqueline Ross told them it was a joke, but they aren’t laughing. She was identified from surveillance video and is jailed on charges of theft and institutional vandalism. Police say she went to the hospital early on Dec. 4 just minutes after stealing the $2,700 figurine from Payrow Plaza. Police say she left a note with the porcelain baby that read, in part, “Child has broken right foot which is been (sic) neglected. Parents Joseph and Mary Christ got a warning.” Ross doesn’t yet have an attorney.

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Boner Candidate #6: WHAT? NO ANCHOVIES? NO CRAZY BREAD?

Remember the $100 donut in New York City? Prepare yourself for the $2,000 pizza. There have been a few pizza pies topped with metallic ingredients. During the Super Bowl, Pizza Hut gave away pies covered in $100 worth of gold. And across the pond, some culinary inventor put together a golden pizza fit for the royals crusted with fantail prawns, beluga caviar, lobster, white truffle oil, and 23-karat-gold flakes.

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