Boners

Boner Preview for February 15th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF SID THE SCIENCE KID.

Angry Utahans shouted down Rep. Jason Chaffetz, chairman of the House Oversight Committee, at the Republican’s recent town hall meeting. “Do your job!” they chanted, scolding him for refusing to investigate the Trump administration. In fairness to Chaffetz, he is busy with more pressing matters. True, Chaffetz, after his unending probes of the Obama administration and Hillary Clinton, hasn’t shown any appetite to examine, say, the Trump administration’s ties to Russia or its many conflicts of interest. But the chairman has shown determination to probe, without fear or favor, the threat to America posed by Sid the Science Kid.

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Boner Candidate #2: I WAS JUST TRYING TO SAY HELLO

Sometimes people have a funny way of showing they like someone. Case in point? This Florida man who threw his dog out a car window at woman he thought was attractive. Howard Van Sweringen, 41, is facing charges of aggravated battery after ramming into the woman’s truck, and tossing his dog through his car window to get her attention, WFLA reported. Van Sweringen had told police that he wanted to talk to 35-year-old Kristina Fuller “at any cost,” according to the Lakeland Ledger. His bizarre attempts at wooing Fuller began on Thursday morning after she dropped her daughter off at Lakeland High School in Lakeland, Florida.

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Boner Candidate #3: BONE, MARRY OR KILL

A gaggle of Michigan public school staffers are facing some serious detention after being caught on video happily discussing which students they would rather have sex with, marry or kill. The teachers and at least one secretary from Bangor High School can be overheard naming the students — including special-needs kids — as they played the lewd game at a local gin joint, according to a six-minute video filmed by a customer and posted to YouTube. “Oh, I would f—k [student’s name],” a woman can be heard saying in the clip. A man at the table is heard identifying the three students he would “bone,” “marry” and “kill.”

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Boner Candidate #4: I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN ABOUT THIS BIKE OF YOURS

A Chernobyl-born typist who has no arms is suing grocery chain Kroger for firing him because he couldn’t carry his special bicycle up a flight of stairs or walk it through a pavilion. Michael Trimble, whose deformed arms were removed at birth, mostly uses his feet to perform daily tasks, including writing and typing on a computer, according to his discrimination lawsuit filed last week in Oregon federal court. He also uses a specially designed bicycle with extended handlebars that he pushes with his shoulder and left arm stump to get around. But problems arose after he secured a temp-for-hire job last January as a customer service representative in Kroger’s human resources department.

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Boner Candidate #5: I STOLE THE WRONG VEHICLE

A California man stole two vans from the same mortuary — returning the first one when he discovered a fresh corpse in the back, according to a report. Bobby Joe Washington, 24, took off with van No. 1, which was parked with the keys left inside near a Chicago Avenue morgue in Riverside, around 1:30 a.m. Sunday. But an hour later, once he realized there was a cadaver in the back, he returned the van — and stole a second vehicle, sans body, cops said. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything like this,” Riverside Police Department spokesman Ryan Railsback told the Los Angeles Times. “Out of all the bad decisions he made, he at least made one good one and brought back the deceased person.”

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Boner Candidate #6: I WAS TRYING TO SHOW HOW CRAZY THE WORLD IS.

A month after YouTube’s biggest star uploaded a video containing the phrase “Death To All Jews,” the service that once hosted that very content is distancing itself a bit from Felix Kjellberg. Variety reports that YouTube has cancelled the second season of Scare Pewdiepie, the premium $10-a-month show that sought to scare Kjellberg IRL in elaborate, video-game inspired ways. Additionally, YouTube will also remove Pewdiepie from “Google Preferred,” which is an advertising service for “brand-safe” content (which Pewdiepie is most certainly not, even discounting the nazi jokes.)

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