Boners

Boner Candidates for February 15th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF SID THE SCIENCE KID.

Angry Utahans shouted down Rep. Jason Chaffetz, chairman of the House Oversight Committee, at the Republican’s recent town hall meeting. “Do your job!” they chanted, scolding him for refusing to investigate the Trump administration. In fairness to Chaffetz, he is busy with more pressing matters. True, Chaffetz, after his unending probes of the Obama administration and Hillary Clinton, hasn’t shown any appetite to examine, say, the Trump administration’s ties to Russia or its many conflicts of interest. But the chairman has shown determination to probe, without fear or favor, the threat to America posed by Sid the Science Kid.

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Boner Candidate #2: BONE, MARRY OR KILL

A gaggle of Michigan public school staffers are facing some serious detention after being caught on video happily discussing which students they would rather have sex with, marry or kill. The teachers and at least one secretary from Bangor High School can be overheard naming the students — including special-needs kids — as they played the lewd game at a local gin joint, according to a six-minute video filmed by a customer and posted to YouTube. “Oh, I would f—k [student’s name],” a woman can be heard saying in the clip. A man at the table is heard identifying the three students he would “bone,” “marry” and “kill.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN ABOUT THIS BIKE OF YOURS

A Chernobyl-born typist who has no arms is suing grocery chain Kroger for firing him because he couldn’t carry his special bicycle up a flight of stairs or walk it through a pavilion. Michael Trimble, whose deformed arms were removed at birth, mostly uses his feet to perform daily tasks, including writing and typing on a computer, according to his discrimination lawsuit filed last week in Oregon federal court. He also uses a specially designed bicycle with extended handlebars that he pushes with his shoulder and left arm stump to get around. But problems arose after he secured a temp-for-hire job last January as a customer service representative in Kroger’s human resources department.

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