Boner Candidate #1: THE REAL PROBLEM HERE IS A BAD FOOD COMBO
A Florida woman has been accused of taking methamphetamine and driving a motorized shopping cart through a Wal-Mart while drinking wine and eating sushi and cinnamon rolls. According to a Citrus County Sheriff’s Office arrest report, security officer Robert Gross observed 25-year-old Josseleen E. Lopez consuming $32.36 worth of food and wine inside the Lecanto store. Gross says he watched Lopez open some sushi, eat a piece and then put it back on the shelf. He says Lopez did the same thing with a package of mini muffins and cinnamon rolls. He says Lopez also ate most of a rotisserie chicken.
Boner Candidate #2: IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR ACTING LIKE THOSE SLUTTY WESTERNERS.
News of a “mass molestation” surfaced swiftly in the Indian news media: Numerous women being groped, harassed and chased on the streets of Bangalore by an unruly crowd on New Year’s Eve. And almost as swiftly, the government official who is ultimately responsible for keeping order on those streets, the home minister of Karnataka State, said the women were to blame because of the way they looked and acted. “Youngsters were almost like Westerners,” said the official, G. Parameshwara, in a televised interview on Monday. “They tried to copy the Westerner, not only in their mind-set but even in their dressing. So some disturbance, some girls are harassed, these kind of things do happen.”
Boner Candidate #3: INVESTIGATORS SAY, “MR. ROMANO HAD BEEN DRINKING.”
Meet Cody James Romano. The 25-year-old Wisconsin resident rang in the New Year by performing an exquisite belly flop atop the windshield of a police cruiser, as seen in the above dashcam footage. Romano, for some reason, charged the stationary squad car shortly after midnight Sunday. As he reached the vehicle’s front end, Romano launched himself into the air. Upon landing, Romano smashed the windshield of the cruiser (pictured below), which was occupied by a Menasha Police Department officer. After a scuffle with cops, Romano was taken into custody and transported to a local hospital for treatment. He was then booked into the county jail on multiple charges, including battery to a law enforcement officer, disorderly conduct, and criminal damage to property.
Boner Candidate #4: “I WILL CUT THOSE POLISH DUMPLINGS RIGHT OUT OF YOUR STOMACH. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL.”
Her brother ate her frozen pierogies. So the 36-year-old Jupiter woman grabbed a dagger late Tuesday, threatened to cut the Polish dumplings out of her brother’s stomach and stabbed the hood of a truck, town police said. Mandy Rounds is facing an aggravated assault charge. She was released from the Palm Beach County Jail early Thursday on a $1,500 bond, records show The man told police they were at their mother’s home off Old Dixie Highway south of Indiantown Road at about 11 Tuesday night. The argument over the dumplings started inside the house and trailed outside, where several other family members were, the man told police. Rounds carried a large dagger outside and hurled profanities and threats at the man, police records show. Then she stabbed the front right portion of a gray pickup where the man’s girlfriend was sitting.
Boner Candidate #5: “I THINK WE’LL HAVE TO INVESTIGATE THIS ONE.”
“I am selling you an empty bag. Marijuana placed In that empty sandwich bag is simply a legal gift,” says a Massachusetts guy on Craigslist. Pot is now legal to possess in Massachusetts. It is not legal to sell it, but people are allowed to gift up to an ounce. An empty bag costs between $20 and $325, depending on the size of the free gift inside. Northwestern District Attorney David Sullivan said the guy is breaking the law. He told NEPR, “To say an empty baggie costs $350 is ridiculous,” he said. “I think it’s a clear fraud on its face.” Sullivan said he’ll ask police to investigate.
Boner Candidate #6: YEAH….COUNTLESS CUTE KIDS.
In House Speaker Paul Ryan‘s Congress, dabbing is not welcomed (or familiar). The Wisconsin Republican, 46, shot down a teenager’s attempt to pull off the popular dance move on Tuesday. Kansas Rep. Roger Marshall (R) was commemorating his swearing-in with a family portrait when the photo-op was interrupted as Marshall’s son raised his arm toward his face. It was clear Ryan did not know the Internet’s dance craze, which originated in Atlanta and was popularized by NFL star Cam Newton. “Do you want to put your hand down?” the newly re-elected Speaker asked the young man. “Are you going to sneeze?”
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