Boners

Boner Preview for March 10th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: SOME OF YOU FAT GIRLS SHOULDN’T WEAR A DRESS LIKE THIS

An Illinois high school has been accused of body-shaming after a 21-slide presentation about acceptable prom attire was published online. Boylan Catholic High School’s guide says that girl’s dresses should not have necklines low enough to show cleavage, and that the skirts of the dresses should hit below the mid-thigh. Critics have taken issue with a line in the guide that suggests different standards will be applied to girls with different figures. “Some girls may wear the same dress, but due to body types, one dress may be acceptable while the other is not,” the guide reads.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOU LOVE THAT DAMN NOSE SPRAY MORE THAN ME!

When a woman accused her boyfriend of loving a nasal decongestant more than her, his response was to throw acid on her face, according to charging documents. Daryl Charles Vaughan, 36, whose address is listed as the York County Prison in Springettsbury Township, is facing a charge of strangulation, two counts of simple assault and one count of harassment. Vaughan, who had been in York County Prison on a possession with intent to deliver charge since Feb. 23, was arraigned on the charges and now has a total bail of $150,000, according to the prison.  She told police the marks on her chin were not from her picking at her skin, but were from Vaughan hitting her and throwing lye acid on her, documents state. Dixon said that while she and Vaughan were inside a barn in the 200 block of Wiley Road, she had accused him of loving Sudafed, a nasal decongestant, more than her.

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Boner Candidate #3: ANOTHER FAMILY VALUES CRACK UP.

Here’s a local trainwreck, to momentarily distract you from the five-airplane-collision that is the state of our national affairs: A Republican Tennessee state senator who ran on a platform of—what else—Christian family values is accused of having an extramarital affair with his second cousin, who was both an employee and a patient at his medical practice. Sen. Joey Hensley is also accused by the woman’s estranged husband of prescribing her opioids, which could be ethically problematic. The allegations, which were reported by the Nashville Scene, came during testimony in the cousin’s divorce trial. They are but the latest twist in Senator Hensley’s surprisingly eventful love life: he was accused by his own wife of hitting her twice with his car, an accusation she later withdrew.

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Boner Candidate #4: HA HA HA. WE ARE THE POLICE

Java Cow on Main Street is a popular spot in Park City. Most come in, grab their coffee, and leave. But on Saturday a group of three men and three women created a chaotic scene in the store. The general manager of the coffee and ice cream shop, Rebecca Williams, says it all started with a small American flag from a Fourth of July party hanging on one of their freezers. The magnet holding it on wasn’t strong enough and the flag had flipped upside down. Williams says her 15-year-old employee fixed the flag when the group pointed it out. But when he turned around, the magnet didn’t hold the flag, which fell again. Williams says one of the women asked who moved it, and the teen said he did–not knowing it had fallen again.

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Boner Candidate #5: HOW DID I GET HERE

Not remembering spring break is almost expected, but this wasted college student couldn’t recall how he even ended up on vacation. University of Florida student William Smith Meyers got himself in trouble with police on Tuesday in Key West, Florida for drunkenly pushing over two Harley-Davidson motorcycles, according to the Miami Herald. However, while under arrest, the inebriated 22-year-old told cops he didn’t remember coming to the South Florida vacation destination and wanted to go home. Meyers was an 8-hour drive away from his school in Gainesville, where he was elected student body president last month. His campaign slogan was “character that counts,” according to school newspaper The Alligator.

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Boner Candidate #6: THE POOR ‘JUST DON’T WANT HEALTH CARE’

A first-term congressman who spent three decades as a physician — and is now part of a group of Republican doctors who have a major role in replacing Obamacare – is facing backlash after saying that poor people “just don’t want health care and aren’t going to take care of themselves.” Rep. Roger Marshall, R-Kan., a member of the GOP Doctors Caucus, said comments he made to Stat News were not meant to suggest that poor people take health care for granted. The comments were published in a story last week about his burgeoning role in the fight to replace the Affordable Care Act. “Just like Jesus said, ‘The poor will always be with us,’ ” Marshall said in response to a question about Medicaid, which expanded under Obamacare to more than 30 states. “There is a group of people that just don’t want health care and aren’t going to take care of themselves.”

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