Boners

Boner Preview for March 27th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: A BOOK CAN’T MAKE YOU GAY

A North Carolina school district was going to use a book about a boy who wears dresses as part of its first grade curriculum on bullying. Wouldn’t that have been nice! Instead, school administrators pulled the book, called Jacob’s New Dress, following complaints from teachers and eventually, lawmakers. The book, in which the title character is teased by boys in his class for wearing “girl clothes,” sounds like an ideal lesson in anti-bullying, would it have been allowed to reach students in Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools, one of the largest school systems in the state. But conservative groups—namely, the North Carolina Values Coalition—caught wind of the book’s place on the reading list, and panicked over what they perceived was its attempt to “normalize transgender behavior.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THAT’S MY STORY AND I’M STICKING TO IT.

A northern Idaho woman told police she crashed into a deer because she was distracted by a sasquatch in her rearview mirror. The Moscow-Pullman Daily News reports that the 50-year-old Tensed woman was driving south on U.S. Highway 95 on Wednesday when she struck a deer near Potlatch. The woman told Benewah County Sheriff’s officials that she saw a sasquatch chasing a deer on the side of the road while driving. She says she checked one of her mirrors to get a second look at the beast and when she looked up, the deer ran in front of her.

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Boner Candidate #3: I JUST GOT A SONG IN MY HEART THAT NEEDS TO COME OUT

Residents of an Upper East Side high-rise are being driven out of their minds — and apartments — by a homeless man who drunkenly sings at the top of his lungs all day and night. The caterwauling crank has been plaguing the Saratoga condo tower at East 75th Street and First Avenue, where he sits on the edge of a cement planter and screams out freestyle lyrics of a decidedly personal nature. “You don’t want me, you don’t want me . . . Will you love me? Who will love me?” he is heard yelling out in a sing-song voice in a nighttime video recorded by a resident. In one recent performance witnessed by The Post, the trashy troubadour got even more intimate, if not downright gross, belting out in broad daylight, “I have a tiny d- -k!” in between slugs from a 22-ounce can of Coors stashed in a brown paper bag.

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Boner Candidate #4: HE DID IT.

Police in Virginia have arrested a man dressed as comic book villain the Joker and charged him with wearing a mask in public. Winchester Police Department spokeswoman Jennifer Hall said in a news release that the department got several 911 calls Friday afternoon reporting a man made up as Batman’s nemesis who was wearing a cape and carrying a sword. Thirty-one-year-old Jeremy Putman is charged with wearing a mask in public, a felony that can result in a sentence of a year in jail.

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Boner Candidate #5: AND TAPE HIS MOUTH SHUT.

The then 15-month-old Staffordshire mix named Caitlyn underwent reconstructive surgery after her rescue. A South Carolina man has been sentenced to five years in prison for binding a dog’s mouth shut with tape, causing it to swell and require surgery in what a judge reportedly described as a “hell on Earth.” William Leonard Dodson, 42, was handed down his sentence on Friday, one day after he was sentenced to 15 years in prison for an unrelated federal gun charge. He will serve both sentences concurrently, The Associated Press reported. Circuit Judge Markley Dennis, in sentencing Dodson to the state’s maximum punishment for animal cruelty, said he wished the penalty could have been harder.

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Boner Candidate #6: SOMEONE HAS TO PAY

A Loudon County man is advocating for changes after the Tennessee Department of Transportation billed his dead daughter nearly $3,000 to replace the guardrail that killed her in a car crash last November. In addition to refusing to pay the bill, Steven Eimers alleges the model of guardrail end involved in his daughter Hannah’s death is “horribly designed” and dangerous, and that “the culture at TDOT is more concerned with making up catchy slogans than actual safety.”

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