Boners

Boner Preview for March 2nd, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: NOT UNTIL WE HAVE A LAW THAT WILL PROTECT GUYS IN COWBOY HATS OUTSIDE OF BARS.

In recent weeks, dozens of headstones were toppled in a Jewish cemetery in Missouri, and in Kansas two Indian immigrants were shot, one killed, by a man who reportedly shouted at them to “Get out of my country.” On Tuesday, Buzzfeed reported that four mosques had been burned this year, three of them cases of suspected arson and the fourth still under investigation. Utah lawmakers had an opportunity this legislative session to respond forcefully, to give prosecutors a workable hate- crimes law and to make a clear statement: that we are one community and no one will be allowed to terrorize or attack members of our community for their beliefs or the color of their skin. Instead, the Utah Senate made a very different statement. Lawmakers turned their backs on those who would be protected — essentially, all of us — by the hate crimes legislation and killed SB72 in a backroom, without even allowing the bill to have a public hearing.

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Boner Candidate #2: NOBODY NEEDS A NAKED CLOWN

A naked woman painted in white from head to toe wearing nothing but a red foam clown nose has left residents of an English city in shock after the woman has been spotted casually strolling down area streets. Photos snapped of the mystery woman show her nonchalantly walking in her birthday suit alongside the River Severn in Worcester, England, The Mirror reported.  Bystander Judith Porter, 46, managed to snap the photos of the peculiar sighting unfolding before her eyes Tuesday. “I was enjoying a nice stroll with my dog Bobby when I was shocked by the sight of a naked clown,” Porter told The Mirror, noting that it wasn’t the first time she saw the naked woman.

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Boner Candidate #3: JUST BLOCK PAPA’S DAMN NUMBER

A man is suing Papa John’s for sending him so many text messages that it allegedly triggered extreme anxiety and emotional distress. Plaintiff Jonathan Anozie claims he has never ordered pizza from the chain but began receiving texts in March 2016, offering him special discounts on pizza, reports TMZ. According to the suit, Anozie said he first got a text offering a deal for “two large pizzas with up to five toppings for $9.99 each.” He replied “STOP” to the first message— which, according to Papa John’s official site is the way to opt out of receiving notifications from the chain—but the texts reportedly kept coming.

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Boner Candidate #4: LOOKING FOR LEMONS. YOU GOT ANY LEMONS?

A Jacksonville man was arrested after he allegedly stole his neighbor’s underwear out of her garage several times. The woman told police that she saw surveillance video showing 56-year-old Nicolas Rojas entering her garage and stealing her underwear.  She told officers she decided to confront him when she saw him inside her garage for the third time on Monday. She opened the door to the garage while Rojas was still inside. She told officers Rojas asked her if she had any lemons. She told him she did not, and he left. The woman told police she went to his house to ask him why he took her underwear. She said he admitted he took it but did not give it back. He later came to her house and apologized, she said. She told police she thought he was armed when he came over to apologize.  Her husband called police after she told him what happened. Because the victim thought he was armed and his criminal history, officers surrounded his home and used a loud speaker to order him out of the house. Rojas’ son came home and told officers his father didn’t have any weapons and was passed out drunk. He got Rojas to come outside, where he was arrested. He is charged with burglary.

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Boner Candidate #5: JUST STAY IN ISRAEL

Amar’e Stoudemire says his comments about not wanting a gay teammate in his locker room were SUPPOSED to be “taken as jokes” … and he’s sorry for offending the LGBT community.  “I want to apologize for my offensive comments against the LGBT community. These remarks were taken from a larger interview where a reporter was asking me hypothetical questions, and all my answers had a comedic undertone.” As we previously reported, Stoudemire — who’s playing pro basketball in Israel — told a local media outlet he would “shower across the street” if he found out he had a gay teammate.  “The answers I gave were meant to be taken as jokes & I am deeply sorry for offending anyone.” Stoudemire continues … “I am open to creating a dialogue to assist the fight the LGBT community encounters daily and will continue to focus on playing basketball.”

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Boner Candidate #6: I JUST LOVE THE MAIL SO MUCH

An Irish postman has expressed his “enormous shame and regret” after he was discovered performing sex acts using a mailbox. Last August, a man who was having work done on his late mother’s home in Monea, Northern Ireland, noticed a “puddle” on the ground near his front door, which his mailbox was built into. Suspicious of the mess, he installed a CCTV camera above the door to catch the culprit.  Footage revealed a van from the global mail company Parcelforce pulling up outside the house one lunchtime, the Belfast Telegraph reported. The postman walked to the door, put his genitalia into the mailbox, and appeared to masturbate using the opening. On a second occasion, the offender noticed the camera while he was carrying out the sex act.

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