Round One
Boner Candidate #1: SURE YOU CAN WORK HERE….FOR NOTHING.
A woman applying for a job at a New Hampshire county jail has been arrested because it turns out she was wanted on a charge in Maine. Police say Kristina Hoefs, of Manchester, applied for the job on Friday at the Hillsborough County Department of Corrections. But workers soon realized she was being sought on a theft-related offense in Maine. Hoefs was taken into custody and taken to police headquarters. She was scheduled for arraignment Monday.
Boner Candidate #2: GANG GANG WHO WANTS SMOKE?
Houston police are on the hunt for a gold-toothed jerk seen in a Snapchat video shooting a gun out of a moving car. The unidentified man — who flashes his golden chompers — smokes a cigarette as he pops off nine rounds from a semi-automatic pistol out the rear window, the video shows. “Gang gang who want smoke!?” the footage is captioned. Cops think the disturbing video was filmed in northwest Houston in either the last week of March or first week of April, they said Monday.
Boner Candidate #3: SENATOR…..WE RUN ADS.
In what will probably be the premise of The Social Network 2, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was grilled by members of the U.S. Senate on Tuesday. Zuckerberg answered questions about digital privacy in the wake of the Cambridge Analytica scandal. And a lot of the senators asking the questions were old. Very old. Sen. Patrick Leahy brought printouts of various Facebook groups (bless the staff member who had to print them) and asked if they were Russian propaganda groups, because as CEO, Zuckerberg obviously reads every single post on Facebook himself. Sen. Orrin Hatch asked how Facebook is able to sustain a business model while running as a free service, and Zuckerberg was barely able to keep a straight face when he responded, “Senator, we run ads.”
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: MAYBE YOU’LL PAY UP AFTER A LITTLE RAIN!
A Louisiana roofer faces misdemeanor charges after repossessing a roof because he hadn’t been paid. Authorities arrested 66-year-old Andrew Jackson Higdon III, of West Monroe, Tuesday on charges of simple criminal damage to property and criminal trespass. The News-Star reports Higdon was freed after posting $4,500 bond. The arrest warrant says Ouachita Parish deputies responded Dec. 29, 2016m to a property damage complaint. The victim says Higdon verbally agreed to replace her roof in June and wait for payment until her insurance company issued a check.
Boner Candidate #2: IT’S HOW WE DO IN BULLSKIN
Police say a Fayette County man stabbed a woman with a knife during dinner late Friday night. According to state police, 41-year-old Shannon Lynch was having dinner with a woman in a Bullskin Township home around 11 p.m. when the two got into an argument. Police say Lynch “took offense to the texture of his steak” and began to assault the woman. During the assault, Lynch allegedly picked up a steak knife and stabbed the woman in the arm.
Boner Candidate #3: I AM A BOORISH DRUNK STONER AND I PLAY ONE ON TV
There’s no app to get him out of this mess. Former “Silicon Valley” star T.J. Miller got so mad when a woman rebuffed his drunken flirting on an Amtrak train that he made a bogus 911 call saying she had a bomb in her bag, federal authorities said on Tuesday. Miller’s alleged prank prompted a massive police response, caused hours of delays and landed him in federal custody Monday on charges that carry up to five years in prison. The drama started almost as soon as Miller (inset), 36, got onto Amtrak train No. 2258 in Washington, DC, on March 18. A worker on the train said he looked tipsy as he took his seat in first class and continued to drink — downing two glasses of wine and two double scotch and sodas, the feds said. He flirted with a female passenger who rebuffed his “social overture” by glaring at him, court papers say.
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