Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for April 25th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: OF COURSE I SWALLOWED IT

A Connecticut man police say was wanted for biting off another person’s earlobe and swallowing it during a drunken brawl in 2013 has been arrested again for what officials describe as another alcohol-fueled fight. Stamford police say they responded to reports of a disturbance at an apartment at about 4:30 a.m. Sunday. Police tell the Stamford Advocate a victim said Lajuj Emiliano and a 17-year-old boy attacked him after they ran out of beer.

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Boner Candidate #2: BLOW HERE

A man encountered in unusual undies was arrested after deputies say he was impaired and had intimate items in his pickup, an affidavit states. The case of the mustachioed DUI dude with sex stuff happened about 3:10 a.m. on April 12, according to an affidavit and a booking photo. A St. Lucie County Sheriff’s deputy stopped a Dodge pickup driven by Daryle Campbell, 54, of Fort Pierce, in the 7900 block of South U.S. 1. A deputy reported Campbell’s truck traveled in a “reckless driving pattern,” an affidavit states. Campbell’s eyes were slightly bloodshot, his pupils dilated and he looked “very jittery.” He wore no shoes.

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Boner Candidate #3: DON’T SHOVE THE MONKEY

Monkey 1 – Man 0. A tourist got a lesson in the law of the jungle when he tried to push a monkey into a pond — and the PO’ed primate fought back. Online video of the incident at the Xitian Temple in the Chinese province of Jiangsu shows the animal perched on a rail, when the man shoves it over the edge, to the sounds of laughter by other sightseers. About a second later, the irritated monkey leaps back over the barrier, and scratches the man on the hand and gives chase.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WELL, THE DOG DON’T RUN FAST ENOUGH.

Tulsa Police responded to Woodland Hills Mall for a disturbance caused by a naked man and woman. Corporal Brian Collum said it started with a stalled vehicle call and a woman getting out of the vehicle, naked, and running. Her clothes were found in the car. Police said the man followed the woman and was carrying a pit bull on his shoulders. Officers said they got a call about every half-block from citizens. Collum said they found the man’s clothes in a parking lot between a restaurant and the mall. He said drugs were found in the clothes.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOU CAN USE THE MEN’S ROOM HONEY.

A nursing mother is suing for discrimination after being told she should use the men’s restroom to pump breast milk when she reported for jury duty at a Chicago court. Attorney Judith Miller says a clerk told her Oct. 2 that there was no a lactation room in Chicago’s Daley Center. Miller had given birth 11 weeks earlier. She says the clerk said the power outlet in the women’s restroom was broken, but that she could use the men’s to pump instead. Miller left the courthouse and didn’t serve. Miller and the American Civil Liberties Union have filed a lawsuit alleging discrimination by Chicago and Cook County under the Illinois Human Rights Act.

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Boner Candidate #3: USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER TO GET THE ATTENTION OF POLICE.

A 67-year-old man was sentenced to eight months in prison after he admitted to using a laser jamming device to avoid detection by speed cameras. Timothy Hill was caught by police after he flipped off mobile speed camera vans on three separate occasions. He was also banned from driving for one year.  Traffic Constable Andrew Forth said that Hill made himself an easy target by “repeatedly gesturing at police camera vans with your middle finger while you’re driving a distinctive car.”“If you want to attract our attention, repeatedly gesturing at police camera vans with your middle finger while you’re driving a distinctive car fitted with a laser jammer is an excellent way to do it.” Police were able to detect the laser jammer on his White Range Rover, which had personalized license plates making him easy to track down. Police said when they spoke with him he denied driving the car, claiming he was working 60 miles away. They also said that Hill tried to destroy the jamming device.

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