Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for April 2nd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: GIMMIE THEM STOGIES.

Police are searching for an armed man who robbed a Racetrac gas station in Sanford. The man walked into the store on South Orlando Drive, pointed a gun at the clerk, then stole three boxes of Cigarillo cigars and left, police said. A surveillance photo was released of the robber.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE SAINTS ARE TRYING TO PROTECT THEIR WOMEN.

Bailey Davis, a former New Orleans Saints cheerleader, was fired for violating a social media policy that does not apply to the team’s male players. Davis has filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Credit Zack Wittman for The New York Times. Like a lot of people in their 20s, Bailey Davis has an Instagram account. And as a cheerleader for the New Orleans Saints, Davis said, she followed team rules and made the page private so only people she approved could see what she posted. But when she posted a photo of herself in a one-piece outfit in January, Saints officials accused her, despite her protests, of breaking rules that prohibit cheerleaders from appearing nude, seminude or in lingerie.

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Boner Candidate #3: SWEATY TEDDY DECIDES TO BE HATEFUL AGAIN

National Rifle Association board member and classic rocker Ted Nugent slammed survivors of the Parkland, Florida, school shooting, calling them “liars” and “poor, mushy-brained children.” Nugent made the comments during an interview on “The Joe Pags Show,” a nationally syndicated conservative radio program. “All you have to do now is not only feel sorry for the liars, but you have to go against them and pray to God that the lies can be crushed and the liars can be silenced so that real measures can be put into place to actually save children’s lives,” Nugent said about the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students. “These poor children, I’m afraid to say this and it hurts me to say this, but the evidence is irrefutable, they have no soul,” he added. Nugent’s comments come six weeks after 17 people were gunned down at the high school, reigniting a national debate on the nation’s gun laws. An outspoken supporter of President Donald Trump, he joins a growing list of conservative pundits, commentators, and government officials who have railed against the student activists.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WAIT! I RECOGNIZE THOSE LEGS

A Kansas woman was surprised to see her ex-boyfriend show up unexpectedly Thursday night—when his legs broke through her living room ceiling, the Salina Journal reports. It apparently began when the woman, unnamed by police, came home to find her door locked with the chain on. Concerned that her estranged husband was inside with her three children, she called police, who looked around and found nothing. Roughly two hours later she and her 29-year-old boyfriend heard a loud noise and he went looking in the garage, police say. That’s when the boyfriend heard her scream.

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Boner Candidate #2: LOCK UP THE IMMIGRANT FETUS.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials have decided that they have no problem detaining pregnant women in immigration jails—a major shift in the agency’s stated policies. ICE is justifying the change by claiming that a January 2017 executive order from President Donald Trump requires stricter enforcement policies, according to internal communications issued on Thursday and reviewed by The Daily Beast and others. Multiple Obama-era ICE directives—the latest of which was issued in 2016— prohibited detaining pregnant women unless there were “extraordinary circumstances or the requirement of mandatory detention.” “We are no longer exempting any individual from being subject to the law,” Philip Miller, deputy executive associate director of ICE, said during a conference call with reporters on Thursday. He said the policy change has been in the works since December 2017.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE JUST MISSED RUNNING OVER MAYOR McCHEESE.

A man was arrested for DUI after some reckless driving that began in a McDonald’s drive-thru led to several crashes. Sgt. Daugherty of Cottonwood Heights Police Department said the incident occurred around 5 p.m. Saturday at a McDonald’s at 7024 South Highland Drive. According to a statement of Probable Cause, a man in a pickup truck accelerated and rear-ended one car in the drive-thru before hitting another vehicle in the rear while driving at a high rate of speed. Police say the driver then accelerated out of the parking lot backward onto Highland Drive.

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